A Straight Spouse's Perspective on Proposition 8: Why it Should Not Pass

Watching the two sides of the debate over Proposition 8 polarize here in California, as I read the papers, watch TV, follow web, and proselytize for its defeat, I'm more and more fearful that Prop 8 might pass and what they might mean for all of us, straight and gay. For that reason, I'm more and more concerned that one particular piece of evidence about a dangerous outcome of its passage has not yet been heard in the debate.

As strong and valid as the cornerstone themes of equality and justice are in speaking against the proposition, there is another compelling argument to vote No that has been conspicuously absent: the lived experience of straight spouses whose gay husbands or lesbian wives adhered to the one-man/one-woman dictum supported by faith communities and society in general and therefore married persons of the opposite gender. As churches and conservative groups bear down in this campaign with their single-minded theme, a look at damage on gay men and lesbians and also on the straight spouses and children of many of them already wrought by the traditional view of marriage as being heterosexual might just tip the balance for undecided voters.

For years, up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional belief that marriage is limited to a man and a woman. Wanting a committed relationship and children, they deny or hide their orientation and marry someone of the opposite gender. Once married, neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. Their struggle escalates, often to severe depression, until many of them come out or act on their same-sex attraction. When they disclose, their straight wives or husbands are typically devastated, their children confused. Most marriages end in divorce, and the children lose a two-parent household.

I write from having lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why. Though traumatized once he came out, I understood how he was torn between who he was and what the church and society said. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I realized that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too. They were also overlooked, their issues not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their faith communities, jobs, schools or communities. Isolated, they coped alone. That's why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for all straight men and women who found themselves unexpectedly in this crisis.

Straight spouses have sought SSN by the thousands from every walk of life, race, ethnic group, faith community, occupation, locality, and educational level. I've listened daily for over fifteen years to their stories. Yes, some experiences are amicable and some couples work out a way to stay married. However, most narratives are heartbreaking, from men whose wives came out and left, their children upset and having to go back and forth between the parents' houses; and from women whose husbands became depressed, angry, and distant as they dealt with their internal struggle until they finally disclosed they were really gay and left to be with a partner, the wives now single parents, their children feeling abandoned.

These stories do not demonstrate family values. The outcome of their one-man/one-woman weddings has not strengthened the institution of marriage. A No vote on 8 will ensure that these scenarios will not be perpetuated.

Comments

[PriUS]

Sorry -- I meant to say that "The Other Side of the Closet" is a book that has HELPED so many of us!

(that's what I happens when I try to watch election results while posting!)

[PriUS]

Fantastic article -- it really needs to be said.

Amity did not mention it in the article, but she is the author of the ground-breaking book "The Other Side of the Closet," a book that has happened so many of us.

Thank you once again, Amity for speaking out about this important topic.

[Shawne]

Amity knows of what she speaks, as do I. Having lived the same scenario, I firmly believe that if we can try to bring an end to discrimination against the LGBT community, we will diminish the numbers of spouses who need to find support in the Straight Spouse Network. Everyone deserves equality. Gay marriage will not hurt traditional marriage. Your children will learn, if they haven't already, that everybody was created equal in the eyes of God and should not be treated any differently. The hatred must end and we can begin with voting No on 8.

Peace and hugs,

Shawne

[Schmitz Blitz]

Thank you for writing this post!

I was the product of a mixed-orientation marriage: my father came out to me as a gay man when I was 10, a few years after my parents divorced. I was very confused for a long time. Then I went through a phase of nasty resentment of both of my parents. My mother never remarried (I think she has sworn off marriage in fact--she can't understand why marriage equality is so important to me as a gay person, I guess since marriage turned out to be such a sham and a disappointment for her).

It does trouble me to think that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for a homophobic society that made my father feel he had to marry a woman. But I do know that both of my parents could have been spared a great deal of pain and heartache had each of them been able to marry the person they truly loved.

[MormonStr8]

I discovered that my wife of 24 years had always self identified as lesbian about 8 years ago. I saw her anguish as the Mormon church supported anti gay legislation in Alaska, and as we have seen the support for prop8 coming predominantly from Mormons. As a str8 spouse and a participant with the straight spouse network, I have heard the personal stories of hundred of other couples who found themselves in mixed orientations marriages. By far the vast majority of these "traditional marriages" were doomed for failure. Many of these marriage failures might have been avoided if there were not such societal pressures for gays and lesbians to enter into heterosexual relationships. I have also had the opportunity to meet many same sex couples who are providing caring support of adopted children. Also the gay and lesbian former spouses and soon to be ex spouses of straight spouse network members are still the fathers and mothers of our children. Many are still wonderful caring parents of their children. I would much rather see these former loved ones have the opportunity to be accepted by society and have full rights, legally recognized by the state. Taking away those rights seems mean spirited, and very much against basic moral principles. Before this became close and personal to me, I blindly accepted dogma that their acts were "evil" and of course illegal. Now I have come to accept that homosexuality "is", and was not their choice.

[amitypb]

Yes, it's hard to have been brought up by a family or a faith community to see certain groups of people as evil or immoral or damned just because they are not the same as "we are" and then to discover that real life people don't fit such neat little categoreis. I'm hoping that more people will figure that out by the next time they face a ballot making one or group or another second class citizens and therefore vote, No."

[cmsvmom]

Why is it that with all the effort opposing prop 8 and the other amendments in Florida and Arizona there is no outreach to us, straight spouses and ex spouses? If this is about defense of marriage and defense of family, why are our families ignored? Why is it not safe for our children to attend schools without fear of ridicule or bullying because of their parent's choice? Why are straight wives of gay men shunned in many churches? Seems that either liberal or conservative, no one wants to listen to us unless they can use us.

There are no ministries to straight spouses in any church. Not that I know of, anyway. None in my liberal episcopal church which embraces a wife hating closeted misogynist former governor backed by a ton of money in the seminary. None in the largely conservative churches which my neighbors belong to. Just a lot of gasping, backing off, telling us to deal with our anger or pain or whatever and there there dear, that's just so unusual. And you know what? It's not unusual at all.

With all the attention paid to these measures in faith communities, I have to ask - what have they done for me, besides tell me to march along whatever their agenda about gay people is, and shut up? I see no point in these measures, they alienate people from one another and do nothing for people like me and my family.

[Pude]

I have been married to a gay man for the past 18 yrs., & in the last 2 plus years discovered he had same sex attractions. It has been one of the most horrendous & painful journey's I've ever been on. I'm very grateful to Amity for her web-site that I believe has 1000 plus women who are in the same position as I. People there is something wrong with our society that allows such narrow mindness as to who can marry who. It should make No! difference sex, color, or religion. Because the way our society looks at same sex attractions, he chose to stay in the closet, until my discovery. Were still together,he's still in the closet, & he's a great guy, not for what he did to me. But my husband is a tax payer, good provider, a very loving & giving person. I do not understand why our society should give a hoot as to sex, color, or religion when two people marry. Unless you have walked in my shoe VOTE! NO!! ON PROP 8. Mahalo, J. D.

[LanceJetson]

I cannot adequately express the mix of joy and sadness I feel when I read this article. Amity, your name fits. Good on you and bless your heart forever for the task you've undertaken to ease broken hearts like yours must have been. It makes me feel joy that someone publicly acknowledges what many people -- straight or gay -- have known secretly for years. It makes me sad that people feel so constrained or coerced into living lies that deeply damage themselves and others.

That many of those "mixed marriages" were brought about by "religious" counseling to "cure the gay" is indeed a travesty. And one I luckily could NOT fall for when I was struggling with my inborn gayness and sought advice from ministers...There was no way I would impose my hellish struggle on an unknowing woman! Gladly that struggle was resolved decades ago and I enjoyed a partnership with another man for ten years before he passed away. How I wish he could see the true progress we have made since then and how I wish -- in retrospect -- that I could have "proposed marriage."

There is much more I could say on this topic, but wanted to give you honor for your past and your determination to help others with that struggle.

[amitypb]

Thank you, Lance. It brings tears to my eyes to read that you accepted and honored who you were/are and made the courageous and loving decision not to marry some unsuspecting woman, even if you loved her as much as you could, being gay.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sure that your relationship was as much as marriage as any that was signed at the courthouse or blessed in a church or temple.
Amity

[sarge5158]

Bravo, Amity! As the former spouse of a gay man, I would add that for many of us, the experience of marriage to a confused and closeted gay person is simply... horrible. When faced with the discrimination of society, backed by law, many gay people will continue to make choices which wind up devastating the very people who they (falsely) vow to love and honor.

But beyond my own pain, I can't see the logic in Prop 8. When I married my ex-husband, he was afforded all the rights and privileges that married humans should have (and was lying through his teeth). Now that he has decided to be honest and live honestly, he has been demoted to second-class, or perhaps not human at all. He still holds a good job, pays taxes, votes, goes to church, celebrates holidays, and serves his community... but he can't get married to the man he loves. What's right about that?

Mary Sargeant
Wisconsin

[str8spouse]

It's mind-moggling how the plight of the straight spouse and families has been completely ignored in this debate. My family is one of those Amity spoke of that has been traumatized and broken because a gay man felt he had no other choice but to marry the traditional way and create children. This does not save families...it creates families that are doomed to fall apart. Conservative religion kept us married for 20 years amidst an enormous amount of emotional pain for both of us and that legacy is now being handed down to my 3 children.

My hope for gays and lesbians is that marriage becomes so readily available to them that they will never consider marrying a straight person.

[amitypb]

Yes, among the legal ramifications of Prop 8 down the line are more and more divorces and custody battles that affect not only the gay and lesbians involved, but straight spouses and the children of both parents. this enlarges the "category of citizens" who are harmed by the proposition.

Meanwhile, the fall on out conservative religions that promoted a YES vote, their congregants that fall into this "category of citizens - gay and straight alike -- are leaving their faith communities because of their negative attitudes toward gay and lesbian people.