Watching the two sides of the debate over Proposition 8 polarize here in California, as I read the papers, watch TV, follow web, and proselytize for its defeat, I'm more and more fearful that Prop 8 might pass and what they might mean for all of us, straight and gay. For that reason, I'm more and more concerned that one particular piece of evidence about a dangerous outcome of its passage has not yet been heard in the debate.
As strong and valid as the cornerstone themes of equality and justice are in speaking against the proposition, there is another compelling argument to vote No that has been conspicuously absent: the lived experience of straight spouses whose gay husbands or lesbian wives adhered to the one-man/one-woman dictum supported by faith communities and society in general and therefore married persons of the opposite gender. As churches and conservative groups bear down in this campaign with their single-minded theme, a look at damage on gay men and lesbians and also on the straight spouses and children of many of them already wrought by the traditional view of marriage as being heterosexual might just tip the balance for undecided voters.
For years, up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional belief that marriage is limited to a man and a woman. Wanting a committed relationship and children, they deny or hide their orientation and marry someone of the opposite gender. Once married, neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. Their struggle escalates, often to severe depression, until many of them come out or act on their same-sex attraction. When they disclose, their straight wives or husbands are typically devastated, their children confused. Most marriages end in divorce, and the children lose a two-parent household.
I write from having lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why. Though traumatized once he came out, I understood how he was torn between who he was and what the church and society said. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I realized that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too. They were also overlooked, their issues not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their faith communities, jobs, schools or communities. Isolated, they coped alone. That's why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for all straight men and women who found themselves unexpectedly in this crisis.
Straight spouses have sought SSN by the thousands from every walk of life, race, ethnic group, faith community, occupation, locality, and educational level. I've listened daily for over fifteen years to their stories. Yes, some experiences are amicable and some couples work out a way to stay married. However, most narratives are heartbreaking, from men whose wives came out and left, their children upset and having to go back and forth between the parents' houses; and from women whose husbands became depressed, angry, and distant as they dealt with their internal struggle until they finally disclosed they were really gay and left to be with a partner, the wives now single parents, their children feeling abandoned.
These stories do not demonstrate family values. The outcome of their one-man/one-woman weddings has not strengthened the institution of marriage. A No vote on 8 will ensure that these scenarios will not be perpetuated.
(that's what I happens when I try to watch election results while posting!)
Amity did not mention it in the article, but she is the author of the ground-breaking book "The Other Side of the Closet," a book that has happened so many of us.
Thank you once again, Amity for speaking out about this important topic.
Peace and hugs,
Shawne
I was the product of a mixed-orientation marriage: my father came out to me as a gay man when I was 10, a few years after my parents divorced. I was very confused for a long time. Then I went through a phase of nasty resentment of both of my parents. My mother never remarried (I think she has sworn off marriage in fact--she can't understand why marriage equality is so important to me as a gay person, I guess since marriage turned out to be such a sham and a disappointment for her).
It does trouble me to think that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for a homophobic society that made my father feel he had to marry a woman. But I do know that both of my parents could have been spared a great deal of pain and heartache had each of them been able to marry the person they truly loved.
There are no ministries to straight spouses in any church. Not that I know of, anyway. None in my liberal episcopal church which embraces a wife hating closeted misogynist former governor backed by a ton of money in the seminary. None in the largely conservative churches which my neighbors belong to. Just a lot of gasping, backing off, telling us to deal with our anger or pain or whatever and there there dear, that's just so unusual. And you know what? It's not unusual at all.
With all the attention paid to these measures in faith communities, I have to ask - what have they done for me, besides tell me to march along whatever their agenda about gay people is, and shut up? I see no point in these measures, they alienate people from one another and do nothing for people like me and my family.
That many of those "mixed marriages" were brought about by "religious" counseling to "cure the gay" is indeed a travesty. And one I luckily could NOT fall for when I was struggling with my inborn gayness and sought advice from ministers...There was no way I would impose my hellish struggle on an unknowing woman! Gladly that struggle was resolved decades ago and I enjoyed a partnership with another man for ten years before he passed away. How I wish he could see the true progress we have made since then and how I wish -- in retrospect -- that I could have "proposed marriage."
There is much more I could say on this topic, but wanted to give you honor for your past and your determination to help others with that struggle.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sure that your relationship was as much as marriage as any that was signed at the courthouse or blessed in a church or temple.
Amity
But beyond my own pain, I can't see the logic in Prop 8. When I married my ex-husband, he was afforded all the rights and privileges that married humans should have (and was lying through his teeth). Now that he has decided to be honest and live honestly, he has been demoted to second-class, or perhaps not human at all. He still holds a good job, pays taxes, votes, goes to church, celebrates holidays, and serves his community... but he can't get married to the man he loves. What's right about that?
Mary Sargeant
Wisconsin
My hope for gays and lesbians is that marriage becomes so readily available to them that they will never consider marrying a straight person.
Meanwhile, the fall on out conservative religions that promoted a YES vote, their congregants that fall into this "category of citizens - gay and straight alike -- are leaving their faith communities because of their negative attitudes toward gay and lesbian people.