THE BLOG

Dating Advice: 3 Reasons You're Still Single

02/26/2012 11:12 am ET | Updated Apr 27, 2012

Men want to sleep with you but don't want to date you. The cute guy you slept with from the bar still hasn't called. The guys that do contact you only text, (and only after midnight). You get asked out to meet for drinks but never for dinner. Any of these situations sound familiar?

For many single females, these scenarios are far too common and unfortunately, a lot of the times we don't know why we are stuck in the same patterns -- attracting men who don't want to commit.

I'm not saying that commitment and true love is the be-all and end-all for everyone. There are definitely Samanthas out there that consider sex a sport, and dating as sheer entertainment. If that works for you then, hey -- all the more power to you. But many, if not most single women actually want sex, dating and courtship to result in one thing ... love.

If your dating habits are resulting in men only wanting to sleep with you, but not wanting to ever commit to you, here are a few reasons that may explain it:

1. You want what you can't have

Research shows that men rarely leave their wives for the person they've cheated with. And even if they do, often the relationship that begins with deception usually ends in deception. In fact, according to Dr. Phil, "relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time." You can lie to yourself all you want, justify and live in denial believing you really are the special one -- but the reality is, he's not going to end up with you. Plus, you'll have a ton of karma, guilt (if you have a conscience that is) and shame to deal with at some point. It's a lose-lose situation. There are over 18,000,000 single men in America alone; surely there is one in that sea of fish that could be a better soul mate?

2. You're easy

You ooze sex, smell like sex and give up sex easily. Opportunistic men will jump at the chance to get a few drinks in you hoping to get you in bed at the end of the night. But you wake up alone.

When men see you as sexual prey first and foremost, they are blinded to all the other great stuff you have to offer. Not your good heart, your inner domestic goddess or your charming personality. Nope, they see the one thing you've presented as your value: sex.

Men who want to settle down do not want to take home the woman who sleeps around. They want to feel proud of their "catch" and be able to introduce you to their friends and family. So what can you do? It's simple. Stop putting out so easily. Stop pushing out sex as your main attraction and you may find that men will start to notice all the other things about you that make you special.

If you put out quickly and easily, men will automatically assume that you're doing the same thing with a bunch of other dudes -- and that isn't something their egos find attractive. They automatically put you in the "don't take seriously" pile which explains why they don't make an effort to date you.

3. You're a gold digger
You meet a rich guy and imagine how you life would be without having to work another 9-5 again. You salivate over the nice bags, trips and fine dinners of your future.

While that fantasy may play out in an episode of "Desperate Housewives," it doesn't work out in reality. When you date a man in hopes that he's your lottery ticket out of middle class, you'll only end up being disappointed.

First, dating a rich guy does not mean there is a transfer of his wealth to you. You get a leased lifestyle. This means you have to return it once he finds someone newer and prettier. Second, these bachelors aren't rookies to the game. And you are definitely not the one to break their sugar-daddy cherry. They are not naive to the fact that the reason you're with them is because of their financial status -- and often have no intention of committing to you.The fairytale usually ends like this: the dude finds another flavor of the month, and you end up 10 pounds heavier from the wining and dining with a few new designer bags. He continues playing the field and you end up alone.

You'd think that the points raised in this article are common sense -- but why do so many females constantly repeat their dating strategies even when it clearly doesn't work? Part of it has to do with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. Another part of it has to do with what the mainstream media teaches us. The mass media inundates us with images, stories and celebrities where females are sex objects. What they don't tell us is that this positioning of women is really meant to serve the male. We are trained that being pretty and sexual is how you win a man. So what do we do? We use our looks and sex to play the game, hoping to win validation and love in return. This strategy doesn't result in love, in fact quite the opposite, chipping away at our self-esteem. Then we're back at square one, repeating the cycle in a quest to find love and validation.

If you want to find true, committed love, the first step is changing your mentality. Respect your body and be respected. Love yourself, and you will be open to receiving love from others. Find ways that nurture your confidence and empowerment that doesn't involve using your looks or sex. For example, perhaps a weekend in with good girlfriends is healthier for your soul than trolling a nightclub for men who are looking just to have fun. And when making decisions about who to invest your time in and who to share your body with, ask yourself if it's taking you closer to finding love (both with another and with yourself) or further away.

Amy Chan is a relationship and lifestyle columnist. To read more of her blogs, visit www.amyfabulous.com