20 Things Nobody Told Me About Little Boys

1. You will spend a crazy amount of time clipping their weed-like fingernails, even though your own nails don't grow worth a damn.

2. They will also probably have nicer eyelashes than you.

3. Little-boy funk-smell kicks in sometime around age 3.

4. It smells like a combination of feet and maple syrup.

5. You will totally get peed on. In the face, directly, at least once.

6. I also do not suggest painting the walls immediately around changing tables or toilets with a flat finish. Go with eggshell or satin, or else just thumbtack up some freaking towels.

7. Those little PeePee TeePee things do not work, unless you care to see just how far your son's urine can propel a tiny, soggy cone of fabric across the room.

8. All that said, a lot of times they just manage to pee right on their own heads. Memorize their shocked expression when it happens, because hiiiiiiiiiilarious.

9. Boners.

10. Yeast infections are not just for girls.

11). EW.

12. The instinct to turn random objects into guns/blasters/lasers/phasers/swords/lightsabers/arrows/cannons/etc. is something they are born with. Don't worry about it too much.

13. Buy helmets, though.

14. Remember that one mean little girl in first grade who would randomly announce that she wasn't your friend any more; she was someone ELSE'S friend now and you couldn't be friends with either of them because she said so and made you cry but then the very next day the rules were all completely different?

15. There are mean little boys like that, too.

16. The good news is that once you're a grown-up you realize it's perfectly okay to think that they're annoying little sh*ts and tell their moms on them when they color on your walls with markers.

17. Even after many mature, frank discussions about body parts and the differences between boys and girls, you will definitely be asked -- loudly and publicly -- about your own lack of a penis and whether or not you pee out your butt.

18. At some point, you'll have to sack up and send them into the mens' room by themselves. This is both amazing and terrible.

19. Wearing a dress makes you look beautiful, Mommy. A single sequin on your shirt or a sparkly necklace earns you an upgrade to princess. Your hair looks gweat. Your hugs are nice. Your cuddles are the best. I wuv you, Mommy.

20. Ugh, they are so awesome, it hurts.

This post originally appeared on amalah.com

 

Comments

[Marina Figueroa]

09:48 PM on 07/06/2012

Don't forget the annoying smell that comes out of aiming to the trash instead of the toilet, or the "pee-swords" battles... Hilarious to look at, but awfully smelly bathrooms!!!

[TheMomfessional]

11:26 AM on 07/06/2012

You forgot to mention that, after the peeing on the walls and themselves and us, boys then pee on, around, next to, and sometimes behind the toilet. What is so hard about peeing IN it?!

[Corey Monroe]

12:13 PM on 07/03/2012

You really make boys sound bad and can scare anyone away who is about to have a little boy. I have two toddler boys (4 and 2 1/2) I love them. I am kind of a tom boy myself so I love to get int he4 dirt with them and play guns with them. My boys are so sweet (much sweeter then a lot of little girls I have met.) Boys are so full of energy and can be tiring but, it also means you are never board as a mom either.

[Hannah Frye]

05:56 PM on 07/02/2012

Even after reading all of that, I'm still glad I have a boy. Girls just seems boring to me.
Oh and this made me laugh: "Those little PeePee TeePee things do not work, unless you care to see just how far your son's urine can propel a tiny, soggy cone of fabric across the room."

[doris french]

05:57 PM on 06/29/2012

You forgot how when they are babies they like to play with their penis.

[quaru]

12:54 PM on 07/01/2012

It's interesting how you assume that this would be anything else. You have met men before, yes?

[burori]

01:59 PM on 07/05/2012

Yeah.... That never really changes :P

[Kenner82]

12:11 PM on 06/29/2012

I loved ALL of those (oh man, particularly about watching them pee in their own faces! We just found out our second is going to be a girl, and after rejoicing about not being peed on, I lamented the fact that I'd miss that startled, "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??" face!) But that first one . . . it's like you met my son personally! WHY WHY WHY do his nails grow so fast?? I JUST CUT THEM THE OTHER DAY! How are you already making my neck bleed when you throw yourself at me to place?? ;)

[jpaigepost2]

12:12 PM on 06/30/2012

Even with a girl, you WILL get peed on! Trust me! When my 2 1/2 year old was smaller, she peed on me quite a few times and it came pretty close to my face! :-) Congratulations, btw!

[Alissa Burgess]

11:03 PM on 06/28/2012

This is all true and after having a boy LAST after two GIRLS all i can do is read this and laugh with my husband.

[ANihilate57]

10:17 PM on 06/28/2012

I have 2 boys now- 6.5 year old and a 6 month old. My 6 year old boy is crazy. Absolutely nuts. Insane. He's totally what I remember my younger brothers being like- trucks, cars, superheroes, television, climbing trees, catching bugs, sports, video games, non-stop. It kills me when we go to the park and I see little girls sitting calmly in a circle, playing with dolls- while he's running laps around them. He can be defiant too. Oh boy! Constantly trying to negotiate with my husband and I, slamming doors, stomping around. Thankfully, he doesn't throw tantrums in the store. But his behavior can be so frustrating! There isn't a day that goes by where I don't get the urge to smack him across the room. But he is very intelligent, funny, creative, full of energy and life.

And so it goes. There are moments where despite all the crazy behavior, he will be the sweetest, most gentle, loving boy you've ever seen. Those are the moments I live for....

[ANihilate57]

10:03 PM on 06/28/2012

9. Boners.

Ah, yes- I know this one. A couple weeks ago my 6 year old son hopped out of bed to get dressed, pulled his underwear down, looked at himself and said, "What is happening to me?!" Yup, I definitely had to turn my head away, before I burst out laughing.

[TheHandyman]

06:19 PM on 06/28/2012

Cute, quaint, observant but totally irrelevant! While parents dwell on the stupid and cute the things they should know about parenting remains an unknown. Parents parent the way their parents in most cases and if the parents were bad, guess what. That's why we still see child abuse. All it takes to produce a child is to successfully screw once! If our society really cared about children they would require that every male and female who wanted to have a child take at least one year of college level courses in how to parent. They would have to take a child development course that would teach them that children learn certain things in stages. Worrying about sex or nudity, bad words at someone who hasn't reached a certain stage of development is ridiculous and a waste of time. When I took my course in child development there was a young woman who got very upset because she couldn't potty train her child. When the professor asked her how old the child was she said 10 months. The professor asked the class how many people thought that 10 months was a good time to potty train a child. Most of the class raised their hands. The physical skills needed for potty training develop in both girls and boys at between 18 to 30 months. Though both boys and girls develop the necessary skills at the same time, the average age of potty training varies between the sexes. The average age for girls to be potty trained by is 29 months, and the average age for boys is 31 months. At 36 months, 98 percent of children are potty trained, according to the University of Michigan Health System. These are the things that are not commonly known and should be. We have certainly reached an age where we should have cast aside the notion that people can only have sex for procreative reasons but child rearing is too important to leave to chance. Of people need a license for something as mundane as driving a car one would think that raising a child which is far more complicated should also require training and a license to ensure that the child is raised in a healthy and safe environment. Most of what gets said about how important and precious children are is BS. Just look at how Americans have allowed the religiously brainwashed and the owner class to deprive children all over this country to continually have their education system dumbed down, privatized, and underfunded while there is always money for wars and war machines!

[jandos]

05:16 PM on 06/28/2012

This was cute. I have two boys and I can relate to some of this, especially the eyelashes part. Both my boys have long, dark and thick lashes - much better than mine!

To the negative posters, please take it easy. I don't see misandry here at all, especially if you read to the end (and don't have a preloaded bias).

Her list will be funnier when they get older. Let's throw butt jokes, farting, burping, fascination with icky stuff, etc... My two boys do all of this and more and they're still fantastic!

[Jann Neely]

04:54 PM on 06/28/2012

I am the mother of an only child, a daughter. She has a son, my grandson who is almost 13. He has been an absolute delight from day one! I guarantee he will never go through that mother/daughter love/hate stage, but will always treat his Mama and his Nanny with the utmost respect and love. He is awesome!

[traditionalliberalsrock]

02:41 PM on 06/28/2012

Enjoyable post....

[Rachel Motes]

02:25 PM on 06/28/2012

Don't have kids of my own yet, but this so much reminds me of when I was looking after my two little brothers when I was younger. They may be little monsters, but they're YOUR little monsters and after everything is said and done you still love em. :)

[charleyvldm9]

02:14 PM on 06/28/2012

Brainwise they remain 'little boys' until age 28,that is when the frontal lobe or vortex of the brain develops,this part deals with-- consequences, logic, commonsense,compassion,reasoning,committment,values, you know the rest.