Congratulations, graduating class of 2015! You just successfully completed the easiest 18 years of your life. In the coming weeks, you will lose most of your friends, the social status you fought so hard for during high school and your excuse to live at home for free. Your cherished dreams of freedom from authority will come crashing down as your lack of finances tie you to a real job for the next 50 years.
Today, we celebrate your bleak future, where you will be forced to make your own decisions, cook your own food and fold your own laundry. The medical bills you incur will now be sent in your name, and the monthly rent check will emerge from your pocket. There is no end to these opportunities that await you as you complete this transition into adulthood.
All of your hard work, study and diligence over the past 13 years of schooling has brought you to this moment where you can enter the workforce for minimum wage. Many of you will choose to prolong your classroom torture as you attend colleges around the country. We feel sorry for you, but wish you the best as you bury yourself in student loans and three-inch thick textbooks.
Your parents are so happy for you today, but they are even happier for themselves. They are no longer responsible for waking you up in the morning, negotiating with your teachers and paying for your extracurricular activities. All the time, desperation and sleepless nights they have put into your education have been in anticipation of this grand moment where you leave home. Take the time to thank them today for their love and tolerance, and show your gratitude by not moving back into their basement.
Your wonderful teachers have dedicated endless hours and countless cups of caffeine into getting you to this point. They are so thrilled to see you move on and out of their classrooms. Their advice and words of wisdom will continue to elude you for the rest of your life, due to your relentless texting efforts and daydreaming during their lectures. The lessons you failed to learn here will haunt you forever.
Your principals, administrators and counselors are so proud to see you cross this stage and receive your diplomas. Their scheduling, scheming and scrambling over the past four years has finally paid off as they managed to get you all here. The ingenuity they have shown in finding ways to give you all passing grades is nothing short of extraordinary. We honor them, and congratulate them on a job questionably done.
Graduates, as you pass this major milestone in your life, many roads lay open to you. My advice to you, today, can be summed up in this inspirational quote that no one ever gave: "There is no end to the things you can accomplish, if you don't suck!"
So, raise your sweaty arms and toss those hideous caps into the air, because tomorrow is the beginning of the hardest part of your life.