Packing for Como, visions of Donatella, George and Michael Kors' jet setter ad campaigns danced in my head. 16 hours later, I blink my sleep deprived peepers in dismay. Was I hallucinating or was my glamorous dream vacation more Coney Island than Capri? Instead of the beaded tunic and gladiator sandal clad crowd, there was a community garbed as if it were 1973: skin tight acid dyed jeans, slouchy boho boots (in June) and frizzed out feathered hair. Very Welcome back Kotter does Lombardy. To be fair, the architecture and landscape of the region was gorgeous. But the natural beauty was marred by thumping house music and a depressing deficit of fabulosity.
I could do without cavorting with bronzed beauties drenched in glitzy designer accessories. But, experiencing the storied refinement and charm of Northern Italy was a must. I headed to Lake Garda (at the Intersection of France, Switzerland, Austria and Germany), a chic but sleepy region celebrated for its dearth of commercialism. And, distinct lack of lycra.
The Grand Hotel Fasano was flawless. Built in the late nineteenth century as a hunting lodge for the Hapsburgs, the villa turned four star hotel was chic but inviting with marble floors, ochre walls and tall, willowy palms. My cozy room with terrazzo boasted a thrilling view of the lake. And the meals -- served on crisp linens and old school silver-had an alluring Von Trapp feel.
From the hotel dock I zipped around the lake James Bond style (Daniel Craig just filmed Quantum of Solace on location here) and got a whiff of the aristocratic Riviera of my dreams: the haute luxe 22 room Villa (which back to 1892) Feltrinelli's (hello lawn croquet, picnicking on wood paneled boats, tile imported from Thailand to match trees and turn of the century roses resurrected to preserve the period feel of the property) and a gander at Isla Borghese which is still inhabited by the royal family. We docked at Sermione, a historic town filled with castles and ruins dating back to the Roman Empire. Speaking of elegance, stroll the hotel and grounds of the five Star Villa Cortina in Sermione (a private residence and park in 1902) to understand the definition of "splendid". The 54 room villa turned hotel was restored ("recently") in 1953 with marble from quarries of Verona, Venetian stucco and frescoes from the Brera Academy. Toscanini composed on the verdant grounds. Ezra Pound worked on premises. Maria Callas was a regular guest. Even Bob Dylan checked in for a few days of R&R.
Rejuvenation is another specialty of Garda. This area -- terme waters (sulphurous with bromine, iodine and trace elements of magnesium and zinc) bubble up from the lake-has also been famous for spa culture since the Roman Empire.Aquaria, Tao Center and spa at Grand Fasano are a few of the supremely modern spas tucked into ancient villas. The restorative acqua minerale is piped in for cold water plunges and hydrotherapy. There was a full range of massage and facials . Enhancing the experience was the plethora of nude dudes detoxing by my side in the lemon scented steam rooms.
Ahhh. The food. The region of Brescia has many Michelin starred restaurants where I feasted on Casoncelli (ravioli filled with meat), pumpkin gnocchi, unlimited variations of rissoti, ravioli and lake fish like carp, lake trout, pike, eel, perch. Meats- particularly mixed grills, rabbit, pork, cured meats and game--are bountiful. Other gastro highlights? Franciacorta wine, DOP extra olive oil (one of most prized oils in country) and an array of cheeses like Rosa Camuna, Taleggio, Caprini and Bagoss.
Nightlife? Not so much. This explains the absence of club wear and overly fragranced Italian Stallions. Happily, ingesting large quantities of cheese and game result in an Ambient like stupor. Lights out by 10. N'er a thought of George Clooney and his bastardized Como.