Our 2001 invasion of Afghanistan has done wonders for its economy. There are now more poppies there than in the fields leading to Oz. Opium production, virtually nonexistent during Taliban rule, is now a 2.3 billion dollar business, and growing. This, in effect, has helped create jobs for tribesmen, and bankroll aspiring terrorists.
Yes, the Taliban are back. And the money from American and European drug users is helping them buy more weapons.
But relax. Pentagon thinkers have pledged to help the Drug Enforcement Administration nip those poppies in the bud. And the approach would be more sophisticated than plastering "Just Say No" bumper stickers on U.S. tanks.
One option is to burn all the poppy fields. We might even see euphoric peace in the Middle East, at least for a few hours. The street buzz is that clouds from classified controlled burns wafted over Iraq during several past Team-Bush visits. We then heard how deliriously wonderful the war was going there. It's the bestest war ever!
The Iraq Study Group disagreed, party poopers.
The Pentagon realized the problem with destroying the poppies is that it destroys the economy. Afghanistan's landscape doesn't allow many other things to grow there, like pot, American's number one cash crop. Good thing. Why give Afghans the munchies when they don't have Pringles and jalapeno poppers?
Besides opium and weapons dealing, the Afghans don't really have many job opportunities. There are no Wal-Marts or Pizza Huts, and the only Targets are military ones. The key is to find an alternative use for those pretty, perky poppies.
And the Pentagon asked, who better to do that than Martha Stewart? The generals would embed her with tribal warlords to lead flower-arranging classes. Not only could this put these guys in touch with their artistic sides, but flower for flower, it might rake in more than opium. And an overpriced poppy bouquet or topiary can really cheer up a cave dwelling. Any savvy Taliban would also smell big bucks in selling freshly baked poppy seed muffins. What terrorist wouldn't love a basket of mini-muffins from a friend, for a special occasion...or just because?
The White House nixed the Stewart plan, worried that she may have picked up some trafficking tips while in the slammer. Plus, tribal leaders didn't want some blond felon coming to their country, telling them what is and what isn't "a good thing."
Frustrated, Pentagon strategists racked their brains for an honest way to jumpstart the Afghan economy. They analyzed the country - rampant poverty, a nation of tribes. The solution was obvious - tribal gaming. It would not only provide jobs, but how better to gradually Westernize the country? We haven't exactly hit the jackpot selling democracy there, but a sea of Texas Hold'em tables would surely get locals geared up to embrace the American Way. And hey, who feels like fighting after a big buffet? Throw in a Cirque du Soleil with fully clothed gymnasts, and you've got a profitable oasis of culturally sensitive fun. Best yet -- what happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.
This would be followed by campaigns introducing the core values of what it is to be American. Our troops would airdrop credit card applications over terrorist enclaves, to encourage them to spend money they don't have to boost the economy. Creditors could then charge 22 percent interest and repossess their weapons when they miss a payment. Since the military can't seem to flush weapons from the region, it's time to let our major banks do it.
Afghanistan could soon be drug-fee and totally Americanized - the Laughlin of the Middle East. Terrorism to tourism!
The Pentagoners popped a couple of cold ones, and celebrated with a group hug. What a plan!
Who knows if Afghani casinos could be successful. Without opium, would they attract the high rollers? It could work. Why not? Every policy so far has had worse odds than craps.