The Wall Street Journal continues its mother-guilting march across the globe this weekend. After telling us last year "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior", now they're out to tell us "Why French Parents Are Superior". Dock them ten points for lack of titling originality, but why mess with success? Last year's "Tiger Mom" tempest made Amy Chua a bestselling author, and Pamela Druckerman, author of the released-this-week Bringing Up Bébé, is surely hoping lightning strikes twice.
But this mother isn't buying it. I didn't buy it when I was told Tiger Moms deserve our admiration for making their children do arpeggios till their fingers bleed. And I don't buy it now that I'm told les mamans françaises are way, way better than we are because they value their Gauloises more than their Polly-Pocket skills. While I haven't read all of Druckerman's book, I have read the excerpt from the Journal, and from that summary, here are the primary examples I gleaned of shining French superiority:
• "French children consistently have three meals a day and one snack around 4 p.m." Prepare to have your mind blown, sister! Have you ever heard of such exotic meal planning? Nothing like American kids -- every last one of them an obese embarrassment, "snacking all day" like they're on one long Willy Wonka Cruise.
• French babies "mostly sleep through the night from two or three months old" because their mothers have perfected "la pause," or a brief wait before picking up a crying baby. American mothers, on the other hand, respond to every rustle coming from down the hall. Ah, my folly! Now I see it was my fault that my firstborn had acid reflux and slept 20 minutes at a time until he was six months old! If I only hadn't responded to his hours of uninterrupted, bloodcurdling screaming, I could have been having a pain au chocolat after eight hours of blissful slumber.
• When French children misbehave, French parents "give them the 'big eyes' -- a stern look of admonishment." Where do these Parisiennes get their radical parenting notions? Stop smiling indulgently at your son running with scissors, American Mom! Try looking at him disapprovingly! You will be amazed at how utterly this will transform your parenting!
I think my main gripe about this whole French-mothers-are-better-than-you idea is that nothing about this seems particularly French to me. Our American parents raised us exactly the same way, 40 years ago. We didn't snack all day because we were outside playing. They let us cry it out because they were 23 years old, and didn't feel like getting up. If our fathers gave us the "big eyes," we were extra-good for a week. And they did this all without experts, or peer groups, or stories in major newspapers purporting to show them the light. And so I say: 70s Parents Are Superior. Even to the French. Our parents were laissez-faire when Carla Bruni-Sarkozy was en couches-culottes. Or like our mothers called them: Pampers.
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One telling assessment of US/French parenting differences comes from my teenage daughter, who has family on both continents and has experienced both styles of child-rearing: "Of course French children are better behaved! Their moms would slap them if they weren't!"
How can people stay indoors so much ? My kids and I have been in forced isolation , watching tv , it would give anyone ADHD to watch that spin all day . Lets not even talk about the net ??? Don't let your kids get caught in it !
I loved my tough skins and turtlenecks !! My Big Wheel too !!! Fanned !!!
Americans see parents' primary role as creating an INDIVIDUAL who is UNIQUE and has few/no restrictions placed on becoming UNIQUE. Fitting in with society is not the primary goal, but establishing the child's uniqueness is. The CHILD is the priority.
Once kids become teenagers, it changes--American parents clamp down (theoretically) and expect kids to start toeing the line, learn the rules, get part-time jobs, and start being "adult" (again, theoretically and traditionally--I know there are many exceptions).
Once French kids become teenagers, having already learned society's rules, they're allowed greater freedom and are given more "adult privileges"...again, because they already know the rules. They've "earned" their freedom. They may well have sexual relationships with their significant others, with full knowledge/acceptance by their parents (the French don't have the Puritans in their history).
It's much deeper than just what appears on the surface, and not having read Ms Druckerman's book, I don't know if she gets into that or not--doesn't sound like it. A book that does is Cultural Misunderstandings by Raymonde Carroll--an in-depth look at the cultural thinking and assumptions that underlie behaviors.
- Mark Twain
Unfortunately, I do think that bad parenting gets more press than good or even "good enough" parenting. The child in line at the check-out crying behind you is 100 times louder than the 10 children in the store that you don't even hear. There are cultural differences, to be sure. But honestly, after having traveled and lived in several countries, my impression has been more commonality than not. In a world where we seem to be more likely to square off against each other, the headline and the way this article is being spun is just...too much of another divisive thing. I'm not sure this is how Druckerman wanted her book to be received...the articles may be doing it an injustice.