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40 Effed Up Things About Being 40

06/06/2013 05:41 pm ET | Updated Aug 06, 2013

After a few years of not being able to read the fine print (apologies to my kid for the guess-the-dose Infant Advil), I broke down and bought my first pair of reading glasses.

At the drug store counter, it was like the reverse of a teen nervously buying condoms. "First pair of reading glasses," I informed the clerk, just to prove that I'm not at all embarrassed. "My mom wears those," she smiled. And now I'm mortified.

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Here are 40 other effed up things about being 40:

  1. Other than Teen Mom, I have no clue what's on MTV
  2. When people say "middle-aged," they might mean me.
  3. I can't wear sequins or I'll look like a cougar.
  4. I'm more likely to forget to have sex than to forget to floss.
  5. If I eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, I've gained a size by dinnertime.
  6. Even if I finally get a full night's sleep, I still look like I was up all night. But not up all night doing something cool.
  7. At the doctor's office, I bypass Cosmopolitan and reach for Redbook. I'll even read Family Circle. There are some great recipes in there.
  8. I'm probably never going to be a Solid Gold Dancer.
  9. Going out without makeup is seeming more and more like an aggressive act.
  10. The "me" in my head is like the foxy little sister of the "me" in the mirror.
  11. Any girl can look cute like Rachel on Friends in her 20s. Only Jen Aniston looks cute like Rachel on Friends in her 40s.
  12. If I strolled across a college campus, people would assume teacher, not student. (Upside: instant Ph.D!)
  13. I'm old enough to drink, vote, rent a car and be elected to the highest office in the land. All that's left on my age bucket list is admission to the AARP. Thanks, I'll wait.
  14. Most days, I choose comfort over style. I'm a traitor to my stilettos.
  15. All the tanning I did in college is showing up now as brown blotches. Get a Sharpie and you could draw a cow on my chest.
  16. The Psychedelic Furs, Duran Duran and The Cure are now considered oldies.
  17. Everything I wore in high school has been appropriated ironically by hipsters.
  18. Only a fortysomething is old enough to remember the TV show Thirtysomething. More irony.
  19. Oooh, my back.
  20. Other than the Kardashians, I don't recognize anyone in the tabloids. Who are these people and why are they famous?
  21. Ages 31-39 are a total blur. I'm scared I'll blink and be 200.
  22. All of sudden my tight mini-skirts make me look like I'm trying too hard. Hey sluts, incoming at Goodwill!
  23. Uhhh, my back.
  24. The Real Housewives and I are, like, the same age. Where's my butler?
  25. It's occurring to me that I might not ever visit every single beach on the planet, and I'm actually okay with that, which feels weird.
  26. When I flirt with the cable guy, I don't get extra channels for free anymore.
  27. I still think 21-year-old guys are hot. And they're like, "Mom?"
  28. Why didn't I take naked pictures of myself when I was 30?
  29. I fantasize about taping up the sides of my face. Try it with your fingers -- it takes 10 years off instantly.
  30. Cripes, my back.
  31. Touching my toes is not a guarantee.
  32. Forget 50 Shades of Grey - my nightstand is full of wrinkle cream and Bengay. The apothecary is open!
  33. I even have one of those days-of-the-week vitamin boxes.
  34. If I buy a turtle it might outlive me.
  35. The bad habits I still have are probably here to stay.
  36. I say things like, "What's the name of that actor, you know, he was in that thing?"
  37. I get a hangover from looking at liquor.
  38. The next milestone birthday is 50.
  39. Did I mention my reading glasses?
  40. One word: "Ma'am."
Post originally appeared on Carriage Before Marriage.

This story appears in Issue 54 of our weekly iPad magazine, Huffington, in the iTunes App store, available Friday, June 21.