I developed a theory shortly after seeing Juno a few weeks ago. And while I'm not the first to draw a dotted line from Juno to Jamie Lynn Spears, I feel compelled to write because, well, I disagree with the millions who think this movie is a gem. Rather, I consider Juno an exceedingly well-received, okay film.
So, my theory: Jamie Lynn Spears' publicists, in cahoots with Nickelodeon, waited until the release of Juno to sell her story to OK Magazine. Let's see how this one flies, they thought, before exposing our child with child. Lo and behold, Juno flies. And the gossip-hungry public is primed to learn that, yes, it can get worse for the Spears Family. (And then even worse - thanks, Brit.)
But I'm not really worried about the Spears. No, I'm worried about the thousands of girls who flocked to see Juno, the very same girls who've been watching Zoey 101 for three years, if not worshiped Britney circa "I'm a Slave 4 U" (I know you remember that snake). The girls who now may believe that pregnancy is happy accident, something that might cause a few people to stare at you as you walk down the high school hall, but, overall, nothing worse than a few months of wearing pants with an elastic waist. In fact, getting pregnant may just land you the boy of your dreams. Juno got Pauly Bleeker and, wasn't there talk of Jamie Lynn and her baby daddy tying the knot?
Anyone who's given birth would be far more qualified to write this paragraph, but, from what I understand, pregnancy involves morning sickness and hormonal rage, mood swings, cravings, swollen body parts, and managing other uncomfortable biological and psychological issues. All of which might be exacerbated by the maturity level and life (in)experience of someone not even old enough to vote. But none of this rears its ugly head in Juno, where the only puking we see is vaguely attributed to drinking a jumbo, blue Slurpee. (Or was it morning sickness? Who knows!)
Beyond any criticisms I have of the story, Juno the movie strikes me as irresponsible. While I'm not unsupportive of Juno's decision to give the baby up for adoption, and I'm not against her choice to have sex in the first place, I am frightened by the neglect to mention anything about the use of birth control. I am more than ten years older than Juno, and the message to PROTECT YOURSELF rang loud and clear from the bell tower of my childhood, which makes it hard for me to believe that Juno would not have even thought about using a condom - at least! Maybe she did. Who knows! And if Juno wasn't going to reach for the condom, might not studious and straight-laced Bleeker have suggested using one? Is this acceptable for a film targeting a young audience? Because young audiences they are a-targetin'. A couple weeks ago the Gift-of-the-Day on Facebook was a free Juno Hamburger Phone. I know this because my sister gave me one. (And spare me the stats on how Facebook users are older than ever. My parents are on Facebook and wouldn't know how to send - or receive for that matter - a gift if their lives depended on it.)
It might be true that mature audiences can glean more worthwhile messages from this cinematic quirk-fest, and that realistic and meaningful portraits of mothers and families are there if you want to find them. But, something about the movie doesn't ring true for me. As a friend of mine aptly suggested, Juno talks and acts more like a 30 year old woman than a 16 year old girl, and while that's the appeal for some, the wit didn't win me over.
Back to my theory. Picture it: Nickelodeon learns their princess of piety (at least when compared to her sister) is knocked up. And the problem isn't that she's unmarried (commonplace by now); the problem is she's sixteen, and just months ago you issued a statement defending her virtue and discretion. How on earth do you spin this? There's only one way to get pregnant. But just when you think there's no hope, just when damage control seems an impossibility, an angel is sent from the heavens (or, er, Hollywood) which could potentially cushion this unforeseen blow. And the message this angel brings is that little Jamie Lynn will be a-ok, just fine, tip-top and tiny again in just a few months (though she may want to stay away from blue Slurpees). That angel, you guessed it, is Juno.