It was 35 years ago that my mother died of breast cancer. She was only 39 years old, I was sixteen. It is difficult to remember much from that time. I do know that she was sick for five years, and that we children were very much left out of the loop. Cancer was a bad word. We didn't discuss her illness. My mother wasn't comfortable discussing her fears, her pain, her hair loss or really any of her personal battle with us children.
That is why when I was diagnosed early this year with ovarian cancer I was determined to keep my children in the loop. I wanted them to be part of my experience. They were informed immediately of my diagnosis, and were told that I would have to undergo chemotherapy. For the next 6 months I had my treatments, lost my hair and went back to life doing pretty much as I had before. Because my cancer was caught fairly early, Stage 2B, I was able to hold my head up, believing that I would be okay, and plough on through my days. I have been blessed with an amazingly loving family, and wonderfully supportive friends.
Naturally, once one has been diagnosed with cancer, life will never be the same. I now know that it is the small things that matter. I have walked for Cancer with my 16 year old daughter, Madeline. I have paraded around the house bald with my children. They have watched me heal. There have been no secrets. We have talked, cried, and laughed. I believe that they were comfortable with me, because I was able to be grow comfortable in my own skin.
I try to embrace each day. Johnny is my son. I believe that the following poem he wrote sprang from all the emotion of this past year's events. I am so proud of him. I am touched by the positive that emerges after the fear. I feel the same way. I am a stronger person having lived through this past year and survived.
Finding My Green - Johnny Frohman
Blue. The feeling you know most. It is not what you fear, but what is after fear. Blue is the feeling that all is wrong, that security is lost and you are abandoned on an island facing the ocean and listening to the gentle waves rolling in upon the deserted beach in front of you. It is the sound of the saxophone playing in a dark, damp club on a dark night. And while everyone is lost in the music, you find yourself lost within yourself. Blue is the nightmare of your dream, it is forever casting a shadow upon you. For blue is the enemy of green. Green is the one goal you can't understand in your life but it is imperative that you must reach green. But blue, it stands in your way, like that ocean. The ocean that prevents you from getting off the island and going. Going home and finding your green. You long for it and sit in the blue shadows of hell before the green is ever found. and in the end when all hope is lost and the feeling of determination no longer hinders in your body, you realize it is the blue that this hunt has led you to. It is now that you see the green does not even exist if not for the blue. And only in this late hour of pondering upon your deepest thoughts, you realize you are in the green. For the life that you have been blessed with is your green, your angel. The life you choose to live will take you to your destiny. The blue that haunted you, terrorized you, and flipped you around until down was up and up was down is now clear to you. Your final green awaits you no matter what path the blue leads you to.
Johnny Frohman is a seventh grader who attends Paul Revere Middle School. Johnny and his family live in the Pacific Palisades. He is an avid soccer and baseball player. Johnny's mother was successfully treated for ovarian cancer last Spring.