Attempting to Destroy CIA Tapes, Cheney Burns Down White House

The White House, one of the most historic structures in the nation's capital, burnt to the ground today after Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to incinerate a cache of CIA interrogation tapes in his office.

According to White House aides, the blaze started shortly after twelve noon, minutes after Mr. Cheney slipped out of a cabinet meeting, saying that he had to "hit the head."

But rather than using the bathroom as he had stated, the vice president instead went to his office and put a blowtorch to a pile of CIA interrogation tapes which the White House had feared might be subpoenaed in the near future.

"I started burning those things and boom, they went up like a rocket," an apologetic Mr. Cheney later told reporters.

The accidental blaze quickly spread from the videotapes to a nearby stack of transcripts of phone conversations involving Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and singer Barbra Streisand that Mr. Cheney had obtained via a warrantless wiretap.

"Once those transcripts caught on fire, I knew the building was a goner," Mr. Cheney said. "There were literally thousands and thousands of pages of that stuff."

Speaking in front of the charred remains of the historic building, administration spokesperson Dana Perino said that the White House might have been saved had it not been for an unfortunate bureaucratic mix-up: "Instead of calling the fire department, President Bush called FEMA."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

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Comments

[txscout]

History repeats itself.
Cheney calls for another 911

[timeforachangenow]

OK...just WHO screwed up and called the fire department...

That wasn't part of the plan as we discussed it...

so now we are REALLY in deep doodoo...

[doodlefarbe]

Dear Mr. Borowitz,

You're quite incorrect.

Not a flame-thrower at all.

Officially, the fires were started by:

Spontaneous Brimstone Auto-Combustion.

Can you smell the sulphur?

[HarperKnight]

The White House today denied that fire in the executive building next door was caused by video tapes being burned carelessly.

Spokesperson Dana Perino assured reporters that all tapes and related materials sought by Congress and various prosecutors were being destroyed "with all appropriate safety measures in place."

"We did lose some carrots intended for Iran," she added, "but fortunately the sticks are all there."

[wmfor]

Dana Perino later commented,

"I was so embarrassed. I wasn't sure what CIA tapes were, so I asked my husband, 'Is that something like VCR tapes?' and he said (he's British, you know), he said, 'Oh, Dana!'"

[jhzolitor]

Funny! I was laughing through the tears.

I'm patiently waiting for a news story, press release, etc. describing the material that was lost on account of the fire - emails, hard drives, memos, tapes. It may take a few days (weeks, months) before the press gets around to investigating, and even longer for the administration to admit that "nothing of significance was lost", even though there probably was. Has the DC Fire Department fully investigated the cause of the fire? Will they? What a perfect stroke of luck for Mr. Cheney, et. al. These guys really know how to run an empire.
Peace

[larry278]

While the Brits had a larger force, the Brits did a more thorough job the last time they occupied Washington, DC. Why didn't W & Co do a better job? Can't they get anything right? [pun intended]

[OleHippieChick]

Lightning struck his throne.

[2lib4oh]

It must have been one of the shredders over-heating.

[randyw]

Shit! Shit! Cheney with a shotgun ...now Cheney with a flamethrow­er!!!!Wher­es Smokey the Bear????

[SamEllison]

Somebody told Cheney that Wexler had contracted those Iranian women that glued together those shredded documents in 1979.
(Does anyone remember seeing that film clip?)

[darker]

WHouse fire is the usual "smoke * mirrors" of the Bush-Cheneys. Narcissist boy Bush was preening in front in his room of mirrors while daddy-boy Cheney ran around with a smoking torch.

Biz as usual.

Meanwhile, the press & media were trying to out-doo each other with their kissy-Bush crappy reports, as always.

[suki21693]

"...put a blowtorch to a pile of CIA interrogation tapes which the White House had feared might be subpoenaed..."

Since when does the White House fear what they could just as easily ignore.

Funny, nonetheless.

[MmeFlutterbye]

Mr. Borowitz, I wish I could be REALLY sure that you were off the mark and simply strivng for humor. Trouble is I don't put anything past the Cheney/Bush administration.

[SolarPowerGuy]

There aren't too many times that satire may actually contain an as-yet unrevealed grain of truth. Well done, Andy!