WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The heartwarming story of Ted Williams, the homeless man whose golden voice has earned him multiple job offers, has inspired many American, including Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).
"What Ted Williams proves, once and for all," said Rep. Boehner, choking back tears, "is why more Americans need to be homeless."
Explaining his remark, Rep. Boehner said, "Homeless people are out there on the street, where the jobs are -- not miles away from the jobs, cooped up in some dumb old house."
The Speaker of the House said that it was the mission of congressional Republicans "to make sure each and every American has the God-given opportunity to be homeless."
Wiping away more tears, he added, "If we can maintain the current pace of foreclosures or even increase it, the American Dream of homelessness for all will be very much within reach."
Meanwhile, the golden-voiced Mr. Williams revealed that he had turned down an offer from CNN: "I already know what it's like to be invisible to people." More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.
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