BREAKING: State of the Union Address Leaked

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In his first State of the Union Address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama will attempt to reach out to middle class voters by stating his opposition to pants on the ground.

In an advance copy of the president's speech obtained by The Borowitz Report, Mr. Obama uses the phrase "pants on the ground" no fewer than sixteen times.

"My fellow Americans, let's be clear: if you wear your pants on the ground, and your hat to the side, you run the risk of looking like a fool," Mr. Obama says.

"Let us all work together, as Americans, to lift those pants off the ground," the president continues in one of the speech's rhetorical flourishes.

In a similar vein, at one point the president indicates that he will veto any health care bill that pays for "gold in your mouth."

Mr. Obama's opposition to pants on the ground is seen by many as an attempt to reach out to Republicans, for whom droopy trousers have been a winning issue.

But so far, early GOP reaction to the president's speech has been muted, if comments by House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) are any indication.

"Quite frankly, we were opposed to pants on the ground until he was," Rep. Boehner said. "Now we're for them." More here.