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BREAKING: Tiger's Penis Issues Rebuttal

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PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL (The Borowitz Report) - Just minutes after Tiger Woods vowed to lead a life of decency and integrity, the golf legend's penis issued a furious rebuttal.

"Let's make one thing very clear," Mr. Woods' penis told a select group of reporters. "Tiger Woods does not speak for me."

Mr. Woods' penis sought to draw a clear distinction between his plans and those of the PGA champion, particularly concerning their futures on the golf tour.

"Tiger has said he is not returning to the tour," Mr. Woods' penis said. "I am here to say that Little Tiger is definitely putting it out there."

Reaction to the statement by Mr. Woods' penis was mixed.

"The world needs to forget about everything else and focus on the Tiger Woods scandal," said the chairman of Toyota. More here.