Bush Reveals Tap Water as Prescription Drug Plan

On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.

"I am responsible for this," Mr. Bush told reporters. "This is my idea of a prescription drug plan."

Standing before a banner reading "Prescription Accomplished," the president said that he hoped providing Americans with free medications via their tap water would prove to be "the finest legacy" of his administration.

Mr. Bush indicated that America's drug-laced waters could boost tourism in the U.S., adding that English rocker Pete Doherty was "getting on the next plane over here."

Across the country, the announcement that President Bush had doped America's drinking water with dozens of prescription medications drew a variety of reactions.

"It makes me proud to be an American," said pitching great Roger Clemens.

Responding to the news that she had been imbibing anti-anxiety drugs in her water, New York resident Carol Foyler said, "I'm not worried about it, but come to think of it, I'm not worried about anything anymore."

But Atlanta's Tracy Klujian said that he believes all drinking water in the U.S. should come with a warning label indicating possible side effects.

"I had a glass of water yesterday and I had an erection lasting more than four hours," he said.

Elsewhere, shuttle astronauts planned to assemble the first robot in outer space, despite warnings that the robot would kill them and take over the ship.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[SamThornton]

You're in rare form today, Andy. Keep 'em coming.

[PioneerKing]

Ahhhhhhh, this explains the wacky behavior from the Clinton campaign staff in the Virginia headquarters

[SubparDude]

:

WRONG!

If This were a Bush Rx Plan

It Would NEVER Be Free!

:

[timeforachangenow]

does anyone remember back when the "fear" was that the communists would put something in our water....???

looks like it's TOO LATE now....our very own government beat us to it.....8(

nice way to put it Andy...keep us smiling... no matter how much it hurts...8)

[ibsteve2u]

Ruh-roh - This just in:

In reaction to reports that some Americans are smoking the water, the DEA is mobilizing and calling upon what little is left of the National Guard in all 50 states to confiscate all known sources of water...

[ibsteve2u]

I have to laugh at this. It keeps me from thinking of humans in the same terms as I think of bacteria - those little beasties that will consume and consume and consume until either all of their food sources are gone or - like this story - they are poisoned by the toxins in their own waste...

Dead, either way.

[suntzu]

Andy reports: "But Atlanta's Tracy Klujian said that he believes all drinking water in the U.S. should come with a warning label indicating possible side effects.

"I had a glass of water yesterday and I had an erection lasting more than four hours," he said."

Well, I'm up to gallon three and nothing's happened yet, except I'm beginning to glow.

[tedbear]

No he didn't! Tell me Bush didn't do that. Sounds like something that joker McCain might do!

[PistonMoaned]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Veronese]

Hmm, this is sounding more and more like something Hillary would think of...it gives a whole new meaning to "universal health care"

[tedbear]

Yeah, Hillary would make everyone pay huge water bills or get their wages garnished.

[Sciguy]

Great post!

Oboy! Wow! Now, Dr. Dubya will have to tell me how much water to drink every day so I can get my dose without getting an underdose or overdose! Of COURSE I'd trust him with my medication needs... just like I already do (lack of sufficient regulation of drug companies).

OK, Mr. Borowitz - please tell us Bush's secret plan to get us out of Iraq, into New Orleans, etc., etc.