Bush Seeks to Ban Marriage Between Fictitious Gay Characters

Just days after Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling revealed that the popular professor character Albus Dumbledore was gay, President George W. Bush told the nation that he would seek a ban on fictitious gay weddings.

In a nationally televised address last night, Mr. Bush said that he devote the rest of his term in office to obtaining a constitutional amendment banning marriage between fictitious gay characters.

"In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction," Mr. Bush said. "This is the most pressing goal of my Administration - even more important than bombing Iran."

While the president's address was for the most part consistent with his earlier statements on gay marriage, it was uncharacteristic in that it demonstrated an awareness of books.

And in attacking the Mr. Dumbledore's right to wed, Mr. Bush may have raised the ire of one of the most militant constituencies in the U.S.: Harry Potter fans.

Jude Ralston, 34, one of over 5,000 Potter devotees who dressed as Dumbledore to protest the president's speech outside the White House last night, said that Mr. Bush could be playing with fire: "Harry Potter fans take these things very seriously, and we don't have anything else going on in our lives."

As for Dumbledore's gayness, Mr. Ralston said that he had overlooked obvious clues the first time he read the books: "I, like, totally missed that scene in the airport bathroom."

Elsewhere, a national survey of slutty nurses shows that they are undecided about what to go as for Halloween.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at the 92nd St. Y in NYC on Nov. 7 with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington, and Mo Rocca. For tickets go to 92y.org.

Comments

[AThingofBeauty]

Okay, that cinches it; our Resident in Chief has taken leave of his senses.

[Tubby]

Dumbledore sightings have become a phenomenon in Wyoming bars.

[klondiker]

Hilarious, Andy! Keep 'em coming! :)

[SamThornton]

Having recently discovered books, the President has grown alarmed at their sheer number. He's reported to be writing an angry book about this threat. With some assistance, of course.

[Sciguy]

It looks like at least one other commenter remembers Dan Quayle's unhappiness about Murphy Brown. Unfortunately, *that* really happened... (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,975627,00.html)

[nowaterboardUSA]

I'm sure Tink Winky is on Bush's Enemies List too!

[FDRbyGodDemocrat]

It's the domino effect, I tell ya! First Tinky Winky, now Dumbledore. Next thing you know we'll have Senators being arrested in men's rooms.

[poopdeck]

Here we go again Ronald Reagan would have exclaimed. I have never considered my marriage to be saintly (a sanctity). Am I married or not? This whole sanctity bit is nothing but a fig leaf for gay-bashing. Our marriage licenses are civil contracts between two persons. Since when are civil contracts a sanctity? President Bush is cuckoo.

[KarlRoves3rdchin]

"In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction," Mr. Bush said. "This is the most pressing goal of my Administration - even more important than bombing Iran."

It's official -Bush is freaking brain-dead!!! Will someone PLEASE PLEASE put him out of his (and our) misery!!!

[factanonverba]

You should realize that this is satire and the quote is fictional. Granted given some of President Bush's pronouncements, it is difficult to discern when exactly not to take him seriously.

[RobertPaul]

...And besides then we'd be left with Cheney. Who would probably appoint Norman Podhoretz as interim VP.

See, things COULD be worse!

[nonotchka]

Better watch it there pardner or i may have to BAN YOUR CHARACTER from the book i am writing mr. bush*t.

Could someone PLEASE expedite the HOPI CURSE?

n.

[LiberalLo]

I looked at the title of the blog, said to myself, "WHAT the hell is this?" Then, I noticed the author's name. Good stuff, Andy.

[BobbyJoe]

When asked her opinion on the issue, the Vice-president's daughter Mary Cheney said... nothing.

[alguien]

yeah, we laugh. but it's not inconceivable that pres. shit-for-brains would actually do something like this.

[Horst]

Everyone knows that British boarding schools are hotbeds of buggery.

[dancewosleeping]

Lord, it's a sorry state of affairs when I have to read the article to determine if the title was truth or satire...cuz I wouldn't be at all surprised if had been an actual article!
Oh those wonderful days of yesteryear when American officials railed against fictional unwed pregnancies--and people could see what idiots they were! Exactly how much more proof do WE need?

[Grunty1]

I would vastly prefer that GW devoted his presidency to something this inane, rather than his current devotion to starting World War III.