Just days after Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling revealed that the popular professor character Albus Dumbledore was gay, President George W. Bush told the nation that he would seek a ban on fictitious gay weddings.
In a nationally televised address last night, Mr. Bush said that he devote the rest of his term in office to obtaining a constitutional amendment banning marriage between fictitious gay characters.
"In order to protect the sanctity of marriage in the real world, we must first protect the sanctity of marriage in fiction," Mr. Bush said. "This is the most pressing goal of my Administration - even more important than bombing Iran."
While the president's address was for the most part consistent with his earlier statements on gay marriage, it was uncharacteristic in that it demonstrated an awareness of books.
And in attacking the Mr. Dumbledore's right to wed, Mr. Bush may have raised the ire of one of the most militant constituencies in the U.S.: Harry Potter fans.
Jude Ralston, 34, one of over 5,000 Potter devotees who dressed as Dumbledore to protest the president's speech outside the White House last night, said that Mr. Bush could be playing with fire: "Harry Potter fans take these things very seriously, and we don't have anything else going on in our lives."
As for Dumbledore's gayness, Mr. Ralston said that he had overlooked obvious clues the first time he read the books: "I, like, totally missed that scene in the airport bathroom."
Elsewhere, a national survey of slutty nurses shows that they are undecided about what to go as for Halloween.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at the 92nd St. Y in NYC on Nov. 7 with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington, and Mo Rocca. For tickets go to 92y.org.