MIAMI (The Borowitz Report) -- Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has been spotted driving to Miami wearing a so-called "astronaut diaper," eyewitnesses reported today.
Mr. Gilbert had been seen earlier in the day in a Wal-Mart in Tallahassee, pushing a shopping cart filled with duct tape and pepper spray.
The Cavaliers owner was overheard muttering to himself, "If I can't have LeBron, no one can."
In a related story, LeBron James announced that he would appear in a second ESPN special with the expressed goal of alienating his few remaining fans.
"The first special was carefully orchestrated to wreck my image, but it didn't quite get it done," he said. "There are still pockets of people out there who like me."
To aid in the demolition of his image, Mr. James said he was enlisting a "dream team of experts," including Tiger Woods, Jesse James, and BP CEO Tony Hayward. More here.
The Los Angeles Times says Andy Borowitz has "one of the funniest Twitter feeds around." Follow Andy on Twitter here.
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