Cheney's Doctors Detect Signs of Heart

In a stunning development that has confounded medical experts around the world, doctors examining Vice President Dick Cheney said today that they have detected signs of a heart.

The vice president was rushed to the hospital over the weekend after complaining of chest pains, but no one in Mr. Cheney's inner circle suspected that a human heart was the cause.

"We had been operating under the assumption that he didn't have one," said chief of staff David Addington, who said that Mr. Cheney also has not had a soul since 1995, when it was purchased by the Halliburton Corporation.

At George Washington University Hospital, doctors struggled to contain their excitement about what appeared to be the medical anomaly of the century: the sudden appearance of a human heart in a 66-year-old man.

"It is too early to say conclusively," said Dr. Carol Foyler, head of the team of doctors who examined the vice president. "But so far the beating and pumping sounds we are hearing in the vice president's chest cavity are very much consisten with his having a heart."

Dr. Foyler stressed that if the sounds emanating from Mr. Cheney's chest are those of a human heart, "This will contradict everything we thought we knew about Dick Cheney."

At the White House, spokesperson Dana Perino said that the sudden appearance of a heart in Dick Cheney's chest had motivated President Bush to schedule an MRI of his head.

Elsewhere, Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) said that writing his memoirs would be "challenging," adding, "I can't even remember what I did last night."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

Comments

[MsTweetie]

There must have been a mistake. It can't be a real heart. Must be a Robert Jarvik "Jarvik-7" artificial (intelligence) one he got when he and Rumsfeld successfully pushed for William Colby to be replaced by Shrub, Sr. the job of CIA Director. He may have sold his REAL souless heart to the devil, but he was given quite a set of steel balls in return.

[Sidewhispers]

Andy, could those "beating and pumping sounds" be a personal wire-tap of an undisclosed enhanced interrogation center.

[flatus]

You would think that the doctors could discern the difference between a heart pumping and a liver twitching.

[ButterflyWeed]

Shall we pity the Physician plagued by the Hippocratic Oath that received payment for bringing Frankenstein back to life?

[zendem1]

It was a day of startling revelations for the Bush Administration. In addition to the discovery of Cheney's heart, it was revealed that Condi Rice has a vagina. "There was some lingering doubt,' said Perino, "but we can say without hesitation that she has one." Perino went on to say that, "vaginas are a good thing to have around here. Look where mine got me."
Republican Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani, campaigning in Iowa,said he was pleased about Rice's vagina, and that 9/11 was a terrible day in American history.

[trishton]

IS he DEAD yet.

[definitelyNOTmisterRIGHT]

i always thought that there might be a little teeny tiny heart deep down inside that man, but i know for a fact he has no conscience.

[wsblake]

And yet brave young twenty year old men and women die and are grieviously wounded day after interminable day in a completely unnecessary war for power and profit. Sometimes it is so hard to believe that good triumphs in this world.

[Jonahson]

Hey Andy, you are really good!

[cassandra]

Good grief! I've landed in Oz. The President has no brain, The Vice has no heart and Congress has no courage. Find the Wizard! Quick!

[mexamerican]

are they sure it wasn't his puckering larger-than-life asshole whistling dixie? his bunghole is, after all, at the core of his being.

[peterg76]

As Vice President, there's a fine line between the confidentiality of his health in terms of medical ethids, the public interest, and national security. I'm leaning towards saying the 'heart' is hoax, to throw off the terrorists. Or the citizens. (Which one are they fighting again? I always get them mixed up.)

[1fliteup]

they just tightened up the wires and ran some electricity thru them. It only sounds human!!!!

[clumberlover]

when news reports stated that cheneys heart was shocked back to normal i could only think that this means cold and uncaring

[Spookcatcher]

Amazing, now all the posts have showed up after my phone line was "cleared". Hello, FISA, I heardly knew you...