China Moves Olympics to Undisclosed Location

Fearful about the prospect of human rights protesters ruining the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China today announced a plan to move the summer games to a remote location where no one can find them.

A spokesman for the Chinese ministry of sport, Wu Qingxiu, said that the plan to move the Olympics to an undisclosed location has "advanced from the planning stage into the doing stage."

The reasoning behind the move was simple, Wu told reporters: "You cannot protest what you cannot find."

While rumors swirled about where the Olympics might be relocated, the Chinese official said that all such speculation is futile: "China is a very large country, and if you want to hide the Olympics, it is a very easy thing to do."

In order to keep the new location a secret, Wu revealed that China had not even disclosed it to NBC, who has a contract to televise the 2008 summer games.

This decision drew an outraged response from NBC chairman Jeff Zucker, who told reporters in New York, "If NBC doesn't know where the Olympics are, no one will watch them."

Wu took exception to Mr. Zucker's comment about no one watching the Olympics, responding, "That sounds like a typical NBC show to me."

On the campaign trail, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) blasted China's human rights record, telling an audience in Pittsburgh, "I have always fought for human rights in China, which is why I risked my life in Tiananmen Square."

Mrs. Clinton spent the day crisscrossing Pennsylvania while former president Bill Clinton wrapped up a successful trip to Bogota.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Calvin Trillin (The New Yorker), Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.