Congress Hires Illegal Immigrants to Write Immigration Bill

In an attempt to break the nagging logjam over immigration, congressional leaders announced today that they were hiring illegal immigrants to write the nation's new immigration bill.

While some observers criticized the decision to employ illegals to draft the very bill that would regulate themselves, Sen. John Kyl (R-Arizona) said that the move was a "win-win" for the American people.

"No one understands the thorny issue of immigration better than the people who have been sneaking into our country," Mr. Kyl said. "Plus, these folks work cheap."

One outspoken critic of the plan was CNN's Lou Dobbs, who blasted Congress for putting illegal immigrants in charge of the nation's immigration laws.

"This would be the equivalent of CNN outsourcing my xenophobic rants to Bangalore," Mr. Dobbs said.

According to the plan, which went into effect at midnight, the U.S. will bus illegal aliens across the border to work as "guest congressmen" to draft the nation's new immigration laws.

The illegals will remain in the country long enough to write the new immigration laws, after which they will be permitted to run for election for permanent congressman status.

Juan Carmelo Gutierrez, 35, a former migrant worker who is taking advantage of the "guest congressman" program, says that while drafting the nation's immigration's laws is arduous work, he still prefers it to his previous job.

"Being a congressman is definitely easier than picking fruit," says Mr. Gutierrez. "Plus, you get most of the year off."

Elsewhere, the New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.