Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee

After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger.

Mr. Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controversial remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a Bengal tiger with a homosexual lifestyle.

According to onlooker Tracy Klujian, 27, "The way that tiger started growling during the speech, you could tell that it felt like it was being taunted."

As Mr. Huckabee's remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their crescendo, the irate tiger leaped over an eighteen-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate.

Within minutes, police responding to a 911 call rushed to the scene, where they fired tranquilizer darts at both the tiger and Mr. Huckabee, who had continued to make his offensive remarks throughout the mauling.

According to one aide, the unfortunate tiger attack incident had done nothing to change Mr. Huckabee's position on gay marriage: "Not only that, but now he's opposed to tigers marrying other tigers."

In other campaign news, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney used a speech in South Carolina to tout his life experience, including his stint as a generic white male Clipart illustration.

And in Florida, former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson picked up the endorsement of the National Association of Jowly Grouches.

Mr. Thompson promised the Grouches that if elected, he would tell those damn kids to get off their lawn.

Elsewhere, frustrated by persistent questions about steroid use, pitcher Roger Clemens threw a car at a reporter.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[thomdavis1]

What is a gay tiger lifestyle, I wonder? Does he have the cleanest, hippest cage? Does he have the tightest, most toned haunches? Is 90% of his tiger wardrobe designed by Versace and Gaultier, the other 10% sleek leather butt-less chaps? Perhaps. But what makes a gay tiger a gay tiger is not his "lifestyle," but his LIFE. Gay tiger has a commited, supporting life partner (he learned this from his friend the gay bear), and his civic LIFE is dedicated to his community (also learned from the gay bear).
You are a friend of gay animals everywhere, Andy Borowitz. You are welcome in our cages and dens anytime!

[larry278]

The Huckster responds to the gay tiger by waving a Confederate flag. Maybe nobody told him that tigers aren't like bulls in some Spanish speaking countries who are 'fought' by humans who wave red capes at the bull who has been cruely goaded. The red cape is used to hide a sword.
Tigers aren't bulls, Mike. Tigers bite & claw their prey to death.

[OneTop]

I'm sure that after 3 weeks of intensive Therapy and Prayer .... Huck could have cured that Tiger ... oh wait .. my mistake .. that was Pastor Ted.

[MAX1]

.

PRESERVE MARRIAGE
~ OUTLAW DIVORCE!

.

[Violababy]

Ligers, Tigons and the Ignorant Huckabee:
Where's Huck going next with his crazy thinking? I doubt this ignoramus knows that the mating of lions with tigers has produced successful offspring They are called Ligers and Tigons. If he knew, he would condemn this "unnatrual" mating. Gives me the shivers that somebody like Huckabee could end up being president. Here's a description from Liger.org. with pictures of these delightful critters.

[KateAuH2O]

23000Days- That is hilarious! Do you have more Guiliani 9/11 jokes? Where can i find them?

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Southern Baptists & Beasts In The Church: http://youtube.com/watch?v=8bLPELvj7I4

[Sidewhispers]

Thanks for making us laugh and for lightening up the political mess we're in.
I heard that one of his taunts was "Tiger, tiger, flaming bright...." Horribly unChristian...and his crude suggestion about the flagpole. Shocking.

[stratman]

PTL

[JohnFromCensornati]

The elephants stayed in their closet for the duration of this incident.

[cobraxus]

As Mr. Huckabee's remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their crescendo, the irate tiger leaped over an eighteen-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate...and then raped him(in a Luke and Laura kind of way).

[GayGrandpa]

Gay tigers of the world UNITE AND FIGHT! Any one who opposes us will see stars and stripes. Red and white, stars and stripes, unite and fight, stars and stripes forever! What do we want? Gay Marriage...when do we want it...NOW! What do we want? Gay Marriage...when do we want it...NOW! What do we want? Gay Marriage...when do we want it...NOW! What do we want? Gay Marriage...when do we want it...NOW! What do we want? Gay Marriage...when do we want it...NOW!

[JerseyBob]

LET US PRAY

Huckabee might have felt compelled to speak out on a matter that hints at his deepest fears, among them perhaps his carnal lust for men and horses. His recent comments are often heard in initial counseling sessions. Later sessions, when the patient is comfortable and relaxed (various methods are used) he or she essentially may just break down and cry the truth. Unfortunately many continue a charade in public life. So if Huckabee continues with his various pronouncemnts just consider that he may be a very sick man who may or may not have had counseling. But horses....­.......yes­, he might be very, very sick.

I could never practice psychiatric counseling in South Carolina! I drive through South Carolina when I golf Myrtle Beach. I listen to a book on tape to avoid the radio which abounds in so much rotten drivel, especially on a Sunday morning. NPR is not always available. Good grief, when I think of the horse or two that I might have seen in a pasture or lot next to a double wide. What preacher, what politican might have lived there? The horror!

By the way, that mauling by the tiger was actually tiger foreplay. Huckabee was probably a bit thin skinned for that. No fault of the tiger though.

Well, he raised it didn't he? His mind, his mind! Let us pray that he may be healed!

[LuridLight]

Sex with animals is only the beginning. The "gay agenda" is moving on to sex with plants. Now they want to deflower young buds. Of course, they've always been known as "pansies."

[YoMama]

Purrrfect.