THE BLOG

Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee

05/25/2011 12:20 pm ET

After making remarks in which he directly equated homosexuality with bestiality, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee was attacked at the San Francisco Zoo by a gay tiger.

Mr. Huckabee had scheduled a campaign stop at the zoo where he made his controversial remarks about homosexuality and bestiality, not realizing that he was standing within earshot of a Bengal tiger with a homosexual lifestyle.

According to onlooker Tracy Klujian, 27, "The way that tiger started growling during the speech, you could tell that it felt like it was being taunted."

As Mr. Huckabee's remarks about homosexuality and bestiality reached their crescendo, the irate tiger leaped over an eighteen-foot barrier and began mauling the presidential candidate.

Within minutes, police responding to a 911 call rushed to the scene, where they fired tranquilizer darts at both the tiger and Mr. Huckabee, who had continued to make his offensive remarks throughout the mauling.

According to one aide, the unfortunate tiger attack incident had done nothing to change Mr. Huckabee's position on gay marriage: "Not only that, but now he's opposed to tigers marrying other tigers."

In other campaign news, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney used a speech in South Carolina to tout his life experience, including his stint as a generic white male Clipart illustration.

And in Florida, former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson picked up the endorsement of the National Association of Jowly Grouches.

Mr. Thompson promised the Grouches that if elected, he would tell those damn kids to get off their lawn.

Elsewhere, frustrated by persistent questions about steroid use, pitcher Roger Clemens threw a car at a reporter.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.