God Orders Sanford to Stop Putting Words in His Mouth

One day after embattled South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford claimed that God was trying to make him a better person, the Almighty held a rare press conference to demand that Sanford "stop putting words in My mouth."

For the usually publicity-shy King of the Universe, the press conference held at the Chicago O'Hare Airport Marriott signaled a sharp break with tradition.

But appearing before the press in His trademark flowing robes and white beard, and carrying what appeared to be a lightning bolt, God said that He decided to convene the extraordinary press briefing because "I had to set the record straight about this."

"At no point did I say that I was trying to make Mark Sanford a better person," the Almighty told reporters. "And the only time that bastard has prayed to Me was last month, when his exact words were, 'Please don't let Jenny find out where I really am.'" More here.