Gonzales to Spend More Time Eavesdropping on His Family

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned today, effective immediately, telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time eavesdropping on his family.

Mr. Gonzales, a champion of domestic surveillance and warrantless wiretaps while in office, said he was "totally stoked" about turning his prying eyes on his own family.

"Domestic surveillance begins at home," Mr. Gonzales said at a White House press conference. "That means nobody in my family is above suspicion, not even the little ones," an apparent reference to Mr. Gonzales' children.

Standing by Mr. Gonzales' side, President George W. Bush praised his former Attorney General, singling out his "courage" for ramping up his domestic spying program on his own family.

"If every head of every household was as willing to eavesdrop on his own family as my man Alberto is, we wouldn't need a Homeland Security Department," Mr. Bush chuckled.

Mr. Gonzales was noncommittal when a reporter asked him a question about the role that waterboarding and other forms of torture might play in his interrogation of family members.

"Nothing is off the table," he said.

Asked about his tenure as Attorney General, Mr. Gonzales was candid about his stormy time in office: "Frankly, I can't believe it took this long for them to shitcan me."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.

Comments

[click212]

Thanks. This is indeed funny. Just the one line was perfect. Thanks again for putting a smile on my face first thing in the morning.

[Ani]

I believe Mr. Bush was quite prophetic when he said he would "stay the course" even if Laura and Barney were his only supporters.

With Mr. Gonzales' resignation, I'm wondering if Barney might be next.

(Very funny post, Mr. Borowitz.)

[ipitombi]

yuck! yuck!! yuck!!!. Keep it up, Andy. This is the most humorous piece I've encountered today.

I'm sorry to see Fredo go though. Just like his boss, he's an imcompetent idiot that one gets used to having around.

[ashamedcitizen]

Wow. I almost believed this. That's sad. If it weren't so believable, it would be funny. Unfortunately, this isn't hard to imagine. This country is run by some pretty sick folk.

[Drill]

I love it. Those (The left) who are always the first to say Innocent until Proven Guilty only say that when there isn't a Republican involved. I find the bitterness in your article Sir to be sad and at the same time hypocritical as I am certain you fully support the presumption of innocence for Sandy Berger, sticking top secret documents down his pants and walking out of The National Archives vault.

May Alberto Gonales be able to rebuild his reputation that the left have wrongly dragged through the mud.

[flathead]

I believe it was Mr. Gonzales who ruined his own reputation.

[Annoula]

May Alberto rebuild his reputation!!!????
What reputation are you talking about????
His reputation as a loyal, unconditional friend that saved the governor of his state from disclosing his DUI conviction?
Or that of the smart WH advisor that called the Geneva conventions "quaint and outdated" and extorted Ashcroft in the intensive care unit?
Maybe...his reputation as an AG that suffered convenient "memory blackouts" when he had to testify before the SJC?

Alberto has a lot to rebuild! Worse than New Orleans after Katrina!

[syllepsis]

Gonzales deserves sympathy for his mental affiction. He is apparently suffering from early-onset Alzheimer's, which explains why he was unable to recall a single detail of why he fired Federal prosecutors, despite assuring Congress that "they were not fired for improper reasons."
As a matter of fact, I doubt he will recall resigning today. Luckily, the whole world will remember his resignation as the proper thing to do.

[InjunTrouble]

Alberto won't have time to rebuild anything. He is going to spend his time finally reading the US constitution. He has heard it is a qaint sort of document and thinks he should check it out to see what the fuss is all about.

[nihilon x]

""If every head of every household was as willing to eavesdrop on his own family as my man Alberto is, we wouldn't need a Homeland Security Department," Mr. Bush chuckled."

Its funny because its true.

[altohone]

Funniest title for a post in a long time.

[TJTelecaster]

Via Con Dios, Alberto..!

Thank you Jesus..!

[beebop]

Wouldn't you just love to hear someone say "I'm resigning to spend more time with my defense attorney?" Wouldn't that be so refreshing that it would stop the whole farce for one fantastical moment and help you forget the shame of it all? Oh, and as for dragging AG's name through the mud, I rather liken it to dragging the mud across AG ....

[azpaull]

Might he not also simply fire (or have someone fire) his children? I can hear the remaining Bush loyalists now, saying that said firings are not illegal. (After all, don't all children serve at the pleasure of their parents?)

[mouselion]

Next, Neocons will be getting children to eavesdrop on their parents, letting Homeland Security know if anything the parents say doesn't snug up to the political line!

[fact finder]

Did you not read the post: F.B.I. seeks more snitches.It is all ready happening.

[Qbear]

Bush,

Take a long hard look at the country's reaction to Rove and Gonzales resignations, it's ONLY a glimmer to the reaction HISTORY will record your reign, cuz you were their BOSS. Did you hear anyone besides yourself say, What magnificent service Rove or Gonzales did for America? or How will America go on without them? or We are sure gonna miss them?
HELL NO!
What Rove and Gonzales did to damage America here and abroad makes them LOATHED by Democrats and Independants, and Moderate Repigs.
The GOP fan club of Rove and Gonzales ONLY liked them as they won elections or stocked the courts with lackluster party hacks. When they began being LOSERS, their sleazy tactics even faithful Repigs knew they had to toss.
So brace yourself Georgie Junior, when you leave the White House 60% of America will CHEER, the other 40% will just be quietly relieved your reign is OVER.