Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned today, effective immediately, telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time eavesdropping on his family.
Mr. Gonzales, a champion of domestic surveillance and warrantless wiretaps while in office, said he was "totally stoked" about turning his prying eyes on his own family.
"Domestic surveillance begins at home," Mr. Gonzales said at a White House press conference. "That means nobody in my family is above suspicion, not even the little ones," an apparent reference to Mr. Gonzales' children.
Standing by Mr. Gonzales' side, President George W. Bush praised his former Attorney General, singling out his "courage" for ramping up his domestic spying program on his own family.
"If every head of every household was as willing to eavesdrop on his own family as my man Alberto is, we wouldn't need a Homeland Security Department," Mr. Bush chuckled.
Mr. Gonzales was noncommittal when a reporter asked him a question about the role that waterboarding and other forms of torture might play in his interrogation of family members.
"Nothing is off the table," he said.
Asked about his tenure as Attorney General, Mr. Gonzales was candid about his stormy time in office: "Frankly, I can't believe it took this long for them to shitcan me."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.
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With Mr. Gonzales' resignation, I'm wondering if Barney might be next.
(Very funny post, Mr. Borowitz.)
I'm sorry to see Fredo go though. Just like his boss, he's an imcompetent idiot that one gets used to having around.
May Alberto Gonales be able to rebuild his reputation that the left have wrongly dragged through the mud.
What reputation are you talking about????
His reputation as a loyal, unconditional friend that saved the governor of his state from disclosing his DUI conviction?
Or that of the smart WH advisor that called the Geneva conventions "quaint and outdated" and extorted Ashcroft in the intensive care unit?
Maybe...his reputation as an AG that suffered convenient "memory blackouts" when he had to testify before the SJC?
Alberto has a lot to rebuild! Worse than New Orleans after Katrina!
As a matter of fact, I doubt he will recall resigning today. Luckily, the whole world will remember his resignation as the proper thing to do.
Its funny because its true.
Thank you Jesus..!
Take a long hard look at the country's reaction to Rove and Gonzales resignations, it's ONLY a glimmer to the reaction HISTORY will record your reign, cuz you were their BOSS. Did you hear anyone besides yourself say, What magnificent service Rove or Gonzales did for America? or How will America go on without them? or We are sure gonna miss them?
HELL NO!
What Rove and Gonzales did to damage America here and abroad makes them LOATHED by Democrats and Independants, and Moderate Repigs.
The GOP fan club of Rove and Gonzales ONLY liked them as they won elections or stocked the courts with lackluster party hacks. When they began being LOSERS, their sleazy tactics even faithful Repigs knew they had to toss.
So brace yourself Georgie Junior, when you leave the White House 60% of America will CHEER, the other 40% will just be quietly relieved your reign is OVER.