15 Most Hilarious Author Quotes

While editing my new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers: An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to The Onion, I made a discovery: "If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn." The following are some of the most hilarious quotes by some of America's funniest writers featured in my book (and they all fit perfectly into 140 characters).

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Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[alisonv]

07:10 PM on 10/25/2011

Oh, I do miss Molly Ivins!

[Carmen Madonna Campos]

07:06 PM on 10/25/2011

so Twain time traveled and met Bachmann?

[frug]

06:27 PM on 10/25/2011

"Quitting smoking doesn't make you live longer, it just seems longer" (Fran Lebowitz)

"I'm a pure as the driven slush" (Talulah Bankhead)

"In life you have to take the bitter with the sour." (Sam Goldwyn)

[dahpunkster]

06:26 PM on 10/25/2011

"I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met."Dave sedaris

[Goldzilla]

05:52 PM on 10/25/2011

Thanks for quoting Dr. Gonzo and George. I miss them both.

[rog1112]

05:52 PM on 10/25/2011

Interviewer: "So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?"
FZ: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?" FZ

[CabCurious]

05:49 PM on 10/25/2011

Every time you use the word "most" in your headlines, the most beautiful kitten on earth dies.

[applehead]

05:48 PM on 10/25/2011

i quit after the first six quotes. i like hilarity, i like quotes. i was drawn by the 'hilarious quotes' quote. but i didn't even smile once. i howled with laughter reading catch-22. catcher in the rye made me laugh. mark twain’s huckleberry finn and roughing it made me laugh. I had hemorrhoids so bad once i had to fly home to see my doctor and I couldn’t stop reading William kotzwinkle’s ’the fan man’ and even though it hurt to laugh I was screaming with laughter, crying with laughter, on the plane. even ciano, mussolini’s son law had a few lines about hitler and goering that made me laugh. There is a lot off funny stuff out there. You’re quoting fran libowitz? She’s never even made herself laugh. No ones ever made her laugh. ring lardner goes to a restaurant when he’s hungry? Are you guys kidding me? molly ivans has cracked me up many times. You couldn’t have found a funny quote of hers? It’s a good quote, i agree, but hysterical? Hey, no offense. Just wanted to vent my disappointment. It’s not that big a deal. There are about six more stories on the huffington post I want to check out, including colbert and stewart. Hey, now there’s a authors you could have quoted.

[Litho-stone]

05:07 PM on 10/25/2011

Hmmm, no Vonnegut quotes.....
For example :
Let us devote to unselfishness the frenzy we once gave gold and underpants.

[applehead]

05:55 PM on 10/25/2011

yes, vonnegut. thank you. and thanks for the quote. i collect quotes. i have 76 pages of quotes (in 16 font). i'm going to put that one in there. that is not only funny, it is truly profound.

[jeito]

06:51 PM on 10/25/2011

Agreed, more Vonnegut is needed.

My favorite quote of his: "And the international situation was desperate, as usual."
It applies just about every day!

[montanadan]

07:03 PM on 10/25/2011

"Well, I guess he's in heaven now."

[Sanity Always Prevails]

04:57 PM on 10/25/2011

Lying on Stomach With Bare Legs and Feet Up in the Air.

I'm just wondering if anybody has considered photographing women in a different pose.

[EvasDaddy]

05:42 PM on 10/25/2011

Don't get around much, eh friend?

[jokerdanny]

04:51 PM on 10/25/2011

The human brain is very complicated. That's why only smart people know how to use it.

[PerryLogan]

04:43 PM on 10/25/2011

If it's funny quotes ye be wantin', I highly recommend Peter de Vries, whose comic novels are at once literate and chockful of funny lines.