Hillary Sells Own Tears on eBay

In a bold strategy to raise funds for her cash-strapped presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that she was selling her own tears on the popular auction site eBay.

After lending her campaign $5 million dollars of her own money prior to the Super Tuesday primaries, Mrs. Clinton's resources were reportedly tapped out, leading her to auction off vials of her own tears with a suggested opening bid of $10,000.

While the posted eBay description of her tears does not attribute any healing properties to them, it does claim that their historic value could be priceless.

Mrs. Clinton's decision to auction off her own tears, while admittedly an unorthodox strategy, was not nearly as unusual as some of the other fundraising ideas floated by her campaign in recent days, sources said.

According to sources close to the New York senator, Mrs. Clinton had toyed with a number of unusual strategies, including marrying former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

"From where we sat, it was a win-win situation," one campaign aide said. "Hillary would have access to $200 million, and Mitt would get one step closer to the White House."

Reportedly, the plan to marry Mr. Romney broke down when a representative for the former governor conveyed the message that Mr. Romney did not believe in polygamy.

"Hillary cried when she heard the news about Romney," the aide said. "But hopefully, those tears will find a buyer."

Elsewhere, a new study shows that spending hours on a cell phone may affect the quality of one's sperm, raising hopes that hedge fund managers may have trouble reproducing.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.

Comments

[SubparDude]

:
If a single soul posts here any reaction that misses the satirical genius of Borowitz, or offers to buy said tears in earnest -- I will break you like a bundle of twigs.

Cheers!
:

[GhostOfSchlesinger]

********************SATIRE*********************

AND IN A RELATED STORY . . .

ARLINGTON, VA - Clinton campaign manager Terry McAuliffe announced today that the New York senator has entered an agreement with Kleenex to produce a series of advertisements for the popular facial tissues.

The advertisements will be produced by a crew that will follow the senator to specified campaign stops.

"Usually," said McAuliffe, "We're gonna know when she needs to cry. It's all about the numbers."

According to Clinton campaign and Kleenex insiders the agreement is different than a standard celebrity endorsement or co-op arrangement.

Said an anonymous Kleenex source, "Well, it's not a 'celebrity endorsement' in strictest sense. We're going to lose 48 percent of our potential new customers right off the bat."

Rather, as a beginning in terms of compensation the Clinton campaign has a new name:

The Kleenex-Clinton Campaign for a Dry-Eyed Electoral Process

"It's a bit wordy," said McAuliffe, "But it's advertising on a trade basis, and you just can't turn that down."

[myskylark]

Ha ha! Very funny, but when are you going to be an equal opportunity comedian and throw some barbs Obama's way?