Hillary to Spend Rest of Campaign in Soundproof Glass Box

In what some observers are calling a strategic masterstroke to avoid missteps in her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) will spend the rest of her campaign encased in a soundproof glass box, aides confirmed today.

The decision to surround the New York senator with one-inch-thick walls of soundproof glass struck many Democratic insiders as a sign of just how risk-averse the Clinton campaign has become.

But with Sen. Clinton leading all of her rivals by a formidable margin, campaigning inside a soundproof box could be the surest way to protect her frontrunner status down the homestretch, aides believe.

Sen. Clinton's soundproof box made its debut last night at a candidates' forum in Davenport, Iowa, where the New York senator was seemingly impervious to the attacks of her closest rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill).

After Sen. Obama excoriated her for voting to authorize the war in Iraq, Sen. Clinton merely smiled and mouthed the words "I can't hear you."

Clinton aides also confirmed after the debate that the New York senator's face would be shot up with Botox to freeze her features in the most inoffensive expression possible for the remainder of the campaign.

Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, says that Sen. Clinton's Botox strategy could prove whether a totally lifeless, emotionless candidate can win the White House.

"It didn't work for Kerry," he says.

Elsewhere, a new survey from the American Psychological Association shows that one out of three adults feels extreme stress, especially after taking a survey from the American Psychological Association.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at the 92nd St. Y in NYC on Nov. 7 with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington, and Mo Rocca. For tickets go to 92y.org.

Comments

[BUSHsurvivor]

Are progressives to the left as neocons are to the right?

[MagisterLudi]

Let me see. Hillary or Rudy. Bring on the subway series.
But seriously, the fourth estate has spoken on the issue of Dem. nomination. And it's Hillary all the way now. Like it or not.
So shut up and give $ to Dems now.

[timm0]

Do you mean REAL Dems - or DLC republicans like HRC who call themselves Dems?

[mjkblog]

Boy, I really needed a good belly laugh this morning, and thank you so much for providing it! The truth behind your humor is spot on, too. Keep it up!

[AgathaPaige]

When did Hillary doff the soundproof, glass box? Hasn't she always worn it?

[Qbear]

Democrats will pull off a second stroke of near genius, they have morphed themselves in to folks no self respecting progressive could vote for, even holding their noses.

Hillary = Lieberman with a fake laugh
Obama = Alan Keyes only taller

Democrats will LOSE another UNloseable election

and tonight, I'm too tired to give a sh*t!

Maybe by the Convention I'll regain enough energy to protest outside the convention with EVERY queer and Anti War activist.

[Sciguy]

I was talking with a friend the other day about how crude and imprecise the English language has become. This trend has been epitomized by the presidential candidates, most of whom spend a great deal of time perfecting the delivery of each carefully scripted word, so as to avoid giving offense to anyone anywhere, while generally saying absolutely nothing that might contain any accidental shreds of meaning. The (unfortunately not real) soundproof glass box Borowitz describes would be a welcome addition to the candidates' repertoires, especially if ALL of the candidates were to be "debating," speechifying and sound-biting from them.

Of course, the Botox is an excellent (satirical) idea, too - perhaps Kucinich could use some to freeze his face in a less Santa's-Helper-ish expression, and McCain could perhaps freeze his entire campaign mode in whatever form makes more people like him. Huckabee would surely like to freeze his entire body in "slim" mode. Since most of the Republican candidates have ideas which are frozen in the 1950s, they would have to be careful not to overdose on Botox. Such a misstep could land them in the pre-Cambrian (for those who believe in the pre-Cambrian)...

[Doofus]

'In what some observers are calling a strategic masterstroke to avoid missteps in her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) will spend the rest of her campaign encased in a soundproof glass box, aides confirmed today.'

This will give her ample opportunity to focus on her re-election strategy for 2012.

[MrLion]

Once HRC clinches the nomination, her team will systematically undo all the reforms of the post-McAuliffe era. Say goodbye to people-powered politics and the 50-state strategy. The Democratic Party will become a strict pay-to-play operation, answerable only to the House of Clinton and its retainers, courtiers, and hangers-on.

[timm0]

I've been attacked pretty strongly when I suggest that real Dems (Feingold, Kennedy, et. al.) officially leave the Democratic Party and form their own. People of action and conscience would defect from the DLC-controlled, "Corporatist B" gang to the new party and actually provide those of us who aren't rose-colored-glasses-wearing kool aid sippers a chance to get a voice. I just don't see how you can rid the system of this parasitic beast without decades of torment and failure. Fastest path is to sacrifice the host in order starve the parasite to death.

[Tellmethetruth]

What makes me so uncomfortable about Hillary Clinton is the fact that so many Republican white male cable TV commentaries seem to champion her and there is a total media black out on any other Democrats running. Hum....why is she the Republican media's favorite?????

I just hate it when the white male Republican media tells me how to vote. It seems so much like propaganda, brainwashing, and how we got into this awful war....by being told what to believe, including lies....Hillary's messangers are such a problem for me, they are the same messengers who touted George W. Bush and the Iraq War and WMDs that didn't exist.

[scooperss]

It's beyond me why others don't see it as you and I do. The polls say hillary is ahead but I don't know anyone, male or female, who plans on voting for her. Well, other than those people I see on here who champion and excuse everything she does.

[mjkblog]

I agree. I live in NH, a Democrat in a sea of Republicans. Democrats here tend to travel in packs for our own safety. And in my pack, there is not one person who is remotely interested in voting for Hillary Clingon. Oops, that was a typo, I meant Clinton. Yeah.

[thatvisionthing]

Why did NBC exclude Sen. Gravel from the upcoming debate? Did HRC pull strings?

Gravel: And I am ashamed of you, Hillary, for voting for it [Iran resolution--"essentially a fig leaf to let George Bush go to war with Iran"]. You're not going to get another shot at this because what happens if this war ensues, we invade, and they're looking for an excuse to do it. And Obama was not even there to vote.

Russert: Senator Clinton, I want to give you a chance to respond.

Clinton: Laughter

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21327206/

-------------------------

Sen. Mike Gravel: Why Hillary Scares Me -- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sen-mike-gravel/why-hillary-scares-me_b_53586.html

[MagisterLudi]

who the hell is Sen. Gravel?
And who actually cares

[peterg76]

It looks like Colbert may have some meaningful competition after all.

[wldnswmmr]

The odd part is that the American electorate won't mind.

[Chocolate2008]

Loved it !

[larry278]

Andy is telling us that her Hillaryship is going to become, as her critics say, Dick Cheney in a pants suit in the future-regardless of the results of the primary fights or the general election in '08.

[nypoet22]

brilliant!