How to Talk to Your Child about Jamie Lynn Spears

As a prominent child psychologist and the father of two tween girls, I have grappled with the same problem that many parents are facing today: how to talk to your child about Jamie Lynn Spears. While this is an issue that every parent must navigate for him or herself, here are some questions that your child is likely to ask, followed by the correct answers.

How did Jamie Lynn Spears get pregnant?
According to her mom, Jamie Lynn was a good girl who always respected her curfew and girls like that usually don't get pregnant. So the answer is, no one knows.

Could Kevin Federline have made Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?
No. This is one of those rare instances when someone got pregnant and Kevin Federline was not involved.

Now that Jamie Lynn is pregnant, will Zoey, the character she plays on Nickelodeon, get pregnant, too?
No. Remember, Jamie Lynn is a real person and Zoey is just a made-up character. Plus, Nickelodeon is owned by an angry old man named Sumner Redstone who doesn't let people get pregnant. So there is absolutely no way Zoey will get pregnant. Instead, Zoey will get cancelled.

Could Hannah Montana get pregnant?
I thought we already went through this. Hannah Montana isn't a real person. She's a character played by Miley Cyrus.

Okay, then could Miley Cyrus get pregnant?
No, because her dad's always around and he creeps boys out.

Are the girls on Disney's High School Musical pregnant?
No, the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" are not pregnant. They have been too busy posing for naked pictures on the Internet to get pregnant.

If I pose for naked pictures on the Internet, will that keep me from getting pregnant?
It couldn't hurt.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

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Comments

[TyroneTanic]

06:55 AM on 12/25/2007

The way to talk to your child about Jamie Lynn Spears is this:

"That little whore. If I find out you're sleeping around at age 15, I'll call Alec Baldwin and let him verbally abuse you on the phone until you're so embarrasse­d you won't dare show your face in public til you're 21."

[stlrfan]

04:45 PM on 12/24/2007

Trailer trash is, as trailer trash does. Just another great example of abstinence only.

[RogerHWerner]

02:14 PM on 12/24/2007

Our children never had a television problem because they weren't permitted to watch it. I know that's odd but we enforced this rule. And we openly discussed sex with our children. In fact, sex drugs, and alcohol were never taboo subject. This being the case, it is reasonable to ask why one of our girls ended up pregnant at 17. She elected an abortion; she got pregnant a year later followed by another abortion and got pregnant again a third time, which resulted in an 11 year old grandson (who is quite a wonderful kid by the way. I try not to think about what might have been with the two other pregnancie­s). Our daughter has settled down into a modest life and by any definition she seems reasonably happy.

We didn't do is crucify ourselves because of her behavior because we did everything we could to educate and prevent her mistakes. In fact, we moved her from public school to an exclusive private school and gave her every opportunit­y to follow a different path, which she rejected out of hand. I guess my point is that these days parents have only so much influence over children. Mass culture and peer pressure are enormous and what happens on TV isn't the only (or even the most important) factor. My advice to parents: Be open and honest and never sugar coat any aspect of life. If you do what needs to be done to give your children the tools to make their own decisions, it is then necessary to step back and if they screw up be flexible and supportive even if you disapprove of the behavior. When a teen screws up they don't need a lot of moralizing because if they were brought up properly they already feel guilt. The trick is to force them deal with the reality or poor their decision(s­) but to do it in away they doesn't ruin their life in the long term. We raised four children and a grandchild­...it's not easy!

[ObamaEdwards]

02:12 PM on 12/24/2007

Diagram included:

http://hic­kwithmaste­rs.blogspo­t.com/2007­/12/childr­en-make-go­od-parents­.html

Good luck.

[stephan1947]

01:26 PM on 12/24/2007

My first response: so?
My second response: are we chimpanzee­s clapping each time A Clockwork Orange's 'old in-and-out­' happens again?
Hasn't anyone considered that 'churchgoi­ng' will warp and twist a child's mind (as a Jew, my aunt, a Dachau survivor, told me in detail the other side of the mirror of crucificti­onism).
My last response is: what is a 'celebrity­', 'status'? The media has invented a 'public' which does not exist.

[Checquoline]

12:47 PM on 12/24/2007

I would like to know what Lynn REALLY said when she found out.

[1stsgtbill]

12:38 PM on 12/24/2007

Why is religon against birth control? Why didn't the mother consult her family doctor about birth control for this girl when she was 15.There seems to be an epidemic in this country of babies having babies fathered by adults. My father taught me when I was 14, if I was going to have sex to wear a condum.I always carried one in my wallet at all times.Reas­on (1) it prevents unwanted pregnancie­s (2) it prevents STD's.If the Churches really wanted to prevent abortions then they would do every thing in their power to prevent unwanted pregancies and teach planned parenthood­( waiting until you can afford to have and raise children and not depend on your parents or the government to support them).That is why even though I believe in the teachings of Jesus,I do not belong to any church or religion. Their all hippocrite­s.

[wrabbitt]

10:59 AM on 12/24/2007

Excuse me, but, isn't 19 into 16 illegal? Where the hell are the laws to protect innocent children? He needs to be in jail, What is this Arkansas? Legally he has committed a crime and needs to be punished for it, Explain that to your children too,

[nainam97]

10:20 AM on 12/24/2007

I have posted this comment before and will now do it again.

My one and only "Sex Talk" with my Dad when like this when I was 13.

DAD: "Now that you're growing up, boys will start to get interested in you. Just remember that anything you do with a boy will be all over school the next day."

ME: (to myself) "I think I'm going to wait quite a while before I do anything with a boy."

Note that my Dad did not mention religion, pregnancy, morals, etc. He simply gave me the
REAL "facts of life."

[Smarski]

10:18 AM on 12/24/2007

You don't know whether Lynn Spears talked with Jamie or not. Many parents talk to their kids about sex and guess what? Some of them still get pregnant.
I agree that too often we get these "tips" from the "experts." It's sort of like the government continuall­y trying to protect us from ourselves with warnings on products like don't sit on the oven door when it's open. But it is true, that too often parents don't know how to approach some of these topics, and a little advice can be helpful.
"many parents don't talk to there (sic) kids about sex ever." Well, that's been going on for "time immemorial­," and the population hasn't suffered from it yet. Is it a good idea to talk to kids at an appropriat­e age in an appropriat­e way about sex? Sure. But nowadays all one has to do is turn on the TV and you get all the sex education you want. You used to have to go to an x-rated movie theatre or porn shop to see the soft-porn on prime time TV these days.
And judging from your use of all lower case letters, misuse of "there" and your lack of punctuatio­n, you are a citizen of sheeple and could use some common sense.

[OzzieSmerck]

09:23 AM on 12/24/2007

i've got it!!! kevin fererline swam in her pool!!!!

[Purple Girl]

09:12 AM on 12/24/2007

Parenthood needs to be taken more seriously. Parents need to realize that as soon as they have a child it is their duty to raise a future citizen of the world.
We are the 'shepherds­' the caregivers­, the only species on the face of the world that can effect the world and all that inhabit it.
This is a monumental committmen­t. It should be held as such not only by society, but also those who decide to take on such a responsibl­ity.
All species reproduce, but no other species can produce one that can change the world, single handedly.W­e, in fact, have produced only beings that have 'changed' the world (every human leaves 'their' mark one way or another on the future). So as parents , and as 'villagers­' it is the 'meaning of life' to assure every human born is given all that is necessary to become the 'shepherds­' of the future.Eco­nomically, intellectu­ally, philosophi­cally,and emotionall­y.
Otherwise- let someone else bear the children, find another way to leave your 'mark'. for it is a duty not for the faint of heart nor weak of mind, nor devoid of soul or spirit.
When in doubt get a dog
(and USE CONTRACEPT­IVES, or get fixed!!!)

[FOXYLADY]

08:49 AM on 12/24/2007

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT MS. LYNN SPEARS DIDN'T TEACH HER GIRLS MUCH OF ANYTHING HONEST OR DECENT....­...SHE MUST HAVE BEEN TOO BUSH HELPING THEM MAKE CELEBRITY STATUS AND MONEY!! ONE OF THOSE MOTHERS WHO "PUSH" THEIR KIDS TO "CELEBRITY STATUS" W/O EVEN DOING THE "REAL JOB OF MOTHERHOOD­" WHICH IS GUIDING, TEACHING AND MOSTLY LOVING YOUR CHILDREN.. NOT THE MIGHTY BUCK!!

[gardenbookie]

07:02 AM on 12/24/2007

Our kids are going to watch every minute of the next nine months(giv­e or take)while Jamie and her "lover?" endure the pregnancy, and the blessed event.
Mamma Spears (the elder) didn't talk to her other daughter either. You'd think that Jamie would have simply learned a few lessons watching THAT mess. (Maybe she did....it certainly brought her into the limelight.­)

[dclobbyist]

07:00 AM on 12/24/2007

That's the liberal way, isn't it? Don't talk to your kids about sex because you might hurt their feelings or their psyche. By the way, the "we're good churchgoin­g kids" line is b.s.
If they were such good churchgoin­g kids, Jaime Lynn would not have been hanging out with big sis, Britney at all hours of the night fighting with the paparazzi, as was reported in the gossip rags recently.