10/20/2009 01:19 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Karzai Declared Winner of Next Month's Runoff

KABUL (The Borowitz Report) - In a stunning victory, Afghan president Hamid Karzai today was declared the winner of the runoff election scheduled to take place November 7.

Mr. Karzai's victory was particularly impressive since the runoff election is still three weeks away, aides to Mr. Karzai observed.

A jubilant Mr. Karzai thanked his supporters, saying, "By voting for me so convincingly in an election that has yet to happen, the Afghan people have cast a vote for the future."

Elsewhere, a neighbor of the Octomom called the police after noticing eight giant balloons in her back yard. More here.