McCain Vows to Campaign in All Thirteen Colonies

Republican presidential nominee John McCain officially kicked off his general election campaign today, promising to bring his race for the White House to "all thirteen colonies."

At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if his Democratic opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, takes any of the thirteen colonies for granted, "he doth so at his peril."

Sen. McCain made his remarks in the Dominion of Virginia, which many McCain advisers concede will be a key colony in the fall election.

But in announcing his 13-colony strategy, Sen. McCain appeared to give notice that he intends to contest such traditional Democratic strongholds as the Province of Massachusetts Bay.

In the conclusion of his remarks, Sen. McCain vowed that his campaign would employ "the latest technology" to spread his message across the thirteen colonies.

"We will use the telegraph key, the carrier pigeon, and the pony," he said.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts "Countdown to the Election, with special guests Joy Behar (The View) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of "The Nine") at the 92nd Street Y in NYC on October 22 at 8 PM. Student tickets half-price. For tickets go to 92y.org.