The following is a forecast of next week's news for the week of Monday, June 11:
Monday, June 11: Bowing to a hot publishing trend, J.K. Rowling will rewrite the last installment of the Harry Potter series to make Hillary Clinton the villain.
Tuesday, June 12: A man wearing a weird white cape and hat will climb onto the Pope's vehicle and later be identified as the Pope.
Wednesday, June 13: At the G-8 Summit, President Bush will unveil a plan to phase out the environment by 2010.
Thursday, June 14: Nicole Richie will say that she does not know if she will have to go to prison, but just to be on the safe side she is starting a hunger strike now.
Friday, June 15: After being besieged by people claiming the $1 million reward for proof that they had sex with a congressman, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt will rephrase his offer, adding the words, "except Mark Foley."
Saturday, June 16: CNN will offer a new premium service in which it will broadcast the Democratic presidential debates but crop out former Sen. Mike Gravel (D-Alaska).
Sunday, June 17: For the second time in ten years, people around the world will get really sick of hearing the song Candle in the Wind.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.
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