The following is a forecast of next week's news, for the week of April 30, 2007:
Monday, April 30: World Bank overseers will demand an investigation into Paul Wolfowitz's girlfriend, issuing this statement: "We deserve an answer to this question: why would anyone date Wolfowitz?"
Tuesday, May 1: ABC will debut a new hit reality show called Trading Medications. Hosted by Courtney Love, the first episode will feature one contestant who has acne and another who's bipolar. The show will go head-to-head against Fox's new reality show, Pimp My Bride.
Wednesday, May 2: Alberto Gonzales will issue an upbeat statement about his future as Attorney General, saying, "Whatever happens to me, I won't remember it."
Thursday, May 3: Donald Trump will comment on Rosie O'Donnell's departure from The View, saying, "Rosie O'Donnell is a beached whale." Rosie O'Donnell will say, "Donald Trump's hair looks like a dead otter." Donald Trump will say, "So does Rosie's vagina." Then Larry King will go to commercial.
Friday, May 4: Dick Cheney will say that his name did not appear on the DC madame's client list because "I've been fucking the country for the last six years."
Saturday, May 5: The Apple Corporation will recall the entire production run of the Apple iPhone after discovering that it had forgotten to include a "phone" feature in the much-hyped device. CEO Steve Jobs will offer this advice to consumers who somehow wound up with the phoneless iPhone: "Just hold it up to your head and pretend to be talking into it."
Sunday, May 6: One week after Sheryl Crow urged people to reduce global warming by limiting their use of toilet paper, President Bush will do his part by shitting on the Constitution.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at Caroline's on Broadway in "Next Week's News" with Amy Sedaris on May 24. For tickets go to carolines.com.