WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- In an effort to end what he called "the bickering and rancor in Washington," President Barack Obama agreed today to extend Republicans' custody of his balls for an additional two years.
"I know my critics are going to make a big deal out of this," the president told reporters at the White House. "But all this does is formalize an arrangement that was already in place."
Mr. Obama said that extending Republican custody of his balls through 2012 "was like the Holy Grail for them, but I'm keeping my eyes on the North Star," adding, "I have no idea what any of that means."
Moments after the two-year transfer of Mr. Obama's family jewels was announced, Vice President Joe Biden defended the president against critics from his own party: "I know he's going to catch a lot of heat for this, but what he did took cojones."
Emerging from the Oval Office after the deal was struck, Republican leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) pronounced himself pleased with the outcome: "The president put what he had on the table, and we came away with what we wanted."
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) said that the agreement on Mr. Obama's nuts would make upcoming budget negotiations go more smoothly: "This greatly reduces the size of the president's package."
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