Obama to GOP: I Will Quit Smoking If You Will Quit Being Dicks

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- President Barack Obama today threw down a new gauntlet in the battle over healthcare reform, telling his Republican opponents, "Here's the deal: I will quit smoking if you will quit being dicks."

While most political observers expected the GOP leadership to reject the President's offer out of hand, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) suggested that he and other top Republicans would "take seriously" Mr. Obama's challenge to cease their dick-like behavior.

"We want what's best for the American people," Rep. Boehner said. "And if that means making a supreme sacrifice, which stopping acting like dicks certainly would be, we will consider that."

But according to Dr. Davis Logsdon, who studies addictive dick-like habits at the University of Minnesota Medical School, it may be easier for President Obama to quit smoking than for congressional Republicans to stop being such dicks.

"Dickiness is one of the most stubborn addictions out there," he said. "Medical science has yet to invent an effective dick patch." More here.