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People With No Lives Ponder Future After Jackson Memorial

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With the clock ticking down to the conclusion of the Michael Jackson memorial today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

That's the word from the University of Minnesota, whose Opinion Research Institute has been tracking the attitudes of people who have nothing going on in their lives since the singer's death was first announced.

"We have been conducting telephone surveys with people who literally have nothing happening in their lives," says the University of Minnesota's Dr. Davis Logsdon. "We know we have an accurate sample, because those are the only people who will agree to participate in a telephone survey."

According to the survey, 89% of the people with no lives agreed with the statement, "I will probably wait for some other celebrity I have not thought about for years to die and then I will get excessively emotional about him or her."

Dr. Logsdon said that for Americans with no lives, the death of Michael Jackson was only one of two massive blows they have suffered in the past few weeks: "Many of them had not recovered from the news that Jon and Kate were getting a divorce." More Borowitz here.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and the author of "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition."