Phelps Congratulates Cardinals on Super Bowl Win

Olympic champion Michael Phelps weighed in today on last night's Super Bowl, congratulating the Arizona Cardinals on their "awesome victory."

"The Cardinals really tore it up last night," said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got "a wicked attack of the munchies" late in the fourth quarter.

"Maybe it was the Doritos commercial, I don't know, but suddenly I got unbelievably hungry," said Mr. Phelps, giggling uncontrollably. "I was like, man, I have got to get me some chips, stat!"

Mr. Phelps said that once he got to his kitchen, he became distracted when he noticed that his hand appeared to be growing.

"I must have been staring at my hand for half an hour," he said. "It was kind of fascinating."

The Olympian said that by the time he returned from the kitchen, the game was already over, "so I didn't get to see the awesome moment when the Cardinals actually won, but I'm sure that was bodacious."

Mr. Phelps said he celebrated the Cardinals' victory by eating four bags of Doritos and swimming a victory lap on his living room rug.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is performing at the 92nd St. Y on April 30 at 8 PM with special guests Judy Gold, Hendrik Hertzberg, and Jonathan Alter. For tickets, go to 92y.org.