Starbucks Eliminates Coffee, Cups, Stir-thingies

In its latest cost-cutting moves designed to improve its bottom line, Starbucks announced today that it would no longer offer coffee, cups, or stir-thingies beginning February 1.

In an official statement, company spokesman Carol Foyler said that Starbucks "wrestled long and hard" with the decision to eliminate the three items, "especially coffee."

"We are aware that many of our customers have come to Starbucks in the past looking for a cup of coffee," Ms. Foyler said. "We hope, however, that they will continue to come even though we no longer offer coffee or cups, for that matter."

She said that she did not think that Starbucks customers would be disappointed by the absence of stir-thingies, adding, "Since we're also eliminating sugar, Equal, and half-and-half, there's really nothing to stir."

When asked what Starbucks hoped would attract customers to their stores in the future, Ms. Foyler said, "We hope customers will see our stores as a place for the unemployed and/or homeless to come out of the cold and warm themselves over a scalding hot cup of water, as long as they bring the cup."

Elsewhere, House Minority Leader John Boehner explained House Republicans' opposition to President Obama's economic stimulus package: "We're ginormous assholes."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is performing at the 92nd St. Y on April 30 at 8 PM with special guests Judy Gold, Hendrik Hertzberg, and Jonathan Alter. For tickets, go to 92y.org.