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Taliban No. 3 'Totally Freaking Out' About Moving Up to No. 2

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KABUL (The Borowitz Report) - The recent capture of the Taliban's No. 2, Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, was good news for the allied war effort in Afghanistan, but not so good for the man affected most by it: the Taliban's No. 3.

Mullah Abdul-Razaaq Sahar, who has held the No. 3 position with the Taliban for the past seven years, told sources today that he is "totally freaking out" about the prospect of being moved up to No. 2.

"When they come in your office and say you're being kicked upstairs to No. 2, no way is that a good thing," Mr. Sahar said. "No. 2 around here means just one thing: captured and/or killed."

The Taliban's No. 3 said he was extremely happy with his current position, which he said mainly involved "updating the website and planning the annual office party."

Mr. Sahar said that he pleaded with Taliban No. 1, Mullah Omar, not to promote him, saying, "Look, I am just not No. 2 material. Dude, you should totally promote No. 4."

The Taliban's No. 3 said that if he is in fact promoted to No. 2 he will not go quietly: "They are basically going to have to drag me kicking and screaming from this cubicle."

Meanwhile, the capture of Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar received mixed reviews from intelligence sources, with one putting it this way: "Capturing the Taliban's No. 2 guy sounds like a big deal until you remember that our No. 2 guy is Biden." More here.