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Wall Street Cheers as Employment Hits 90%

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Wall Street celebrated the latest employment figures today, rallying on the news that employment had hit an eye-popping 90%.

While some on Main Street grumbled that the country was struggling through a so-called "jobless recovery," Wall Street professionals were cracking open the champagne and sending jewelry to their mistresses.

"I know that there are some whiners out there who are moaning and groaning about the unemployment numbers," said Carol Foyler, a senior executive at the bailed-out financial behemoth AIG. "But from where I sit, the glass is 90% full." More here.