What You Missed This Weekend

News updates from BorowitzReport.com:

-- Responding to allegations of steroid use, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz threw a car at a reporter.

-- The U.S. begged China to buy $300 billion in clunkers.

-- Congress urged Americans to wait to get sick until after August recess.

-- American Airlines flights were delayed four hours because of a bomb scare, up from their usual three hours.

-- Jenny Craig unveiled a lower-calorie version of Death By Chocolate called Life In A Chocolate Prison.

-- Nick Nolte broke into his own home in hopes of being invited to a beer summit.

-- A new study shows that driving a car may impair one's ability to text.

-- A spokesman for former Gov. Sarah Palin denied recent divorce rumors, saying, "It's not like her to walk out on a commitment." More here.