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02/04/2014 10:09 am ET | Updated Apr 06, 2014

9 Reasons I Would Walk Out on a Back to the Future Musical

Flickr: theNerdPatrol

It was announced this week that beloved '80s film "Back To The Future" is being developed into a musical. My question, sung with animated birds landing on my shoulders, is whyyyyyyy?

Why, in order for certain people to be entertained, does a story need to be turned into singing?

"Back To The Future," is nearly a perfect movie, no wasted dialogue, and every line moves the story ahead.

And think of all the themes and tropes being intertwined so seamlessly in the film: Righting a family's tainted legacy. Winning the heart of the girl your love. Finally succeeding after a lifetime of failures. Saving a friend's life. Proving your own worth in the face of outside discouragement. A Twin Pines Mall transforming into the sleeker, sexier Lone Pine Mall.

PLUS TIME TRAVEL!

Maybe it is a story ripe for the stage, falling off the vine after two decades of continued cult film growth and into the hands of an industry -- musical theater -- that has boomed in recent years.

I guess as someone who's never been a fan of musicals, I just shudder at the thought of beloved, iconic parts from "Back To The Future" being given the over-the-top, campy musical treatment.

So, with that, I will probably walk out over any of the following:

1. Any song entitled "Flux Capacitor," "1.21 Jiggawatts," or "Great Scot!"

2. A set piece featuring an oversized flux capacitor. Think Beneath The Planet Of The Apes, the way the humans worship the nuclear warhead, but then also they sing to it. Right, see? Dumb.

3. The whole cast -- including Biff and manure-covered gang -- singing together in some grand final number about time, or love, or love transcending time, or some crap like that. And then they end with all their arms slowly rising in unison. Ugh.

4. Song lyrics like this...

2014-02-04-ScreenShot20140204at3.29.25AM.png

Am I overreacting? You know, I don't think I am. My view on musicals -- especially adapted musicals -- was forever solidified when the Simpsons did "Planet of the Apes: The Musical." It's just pure brilliance.

(Sorry, the only clip I could find was inexplicably (but kind of perfectly?) mashed up with reaction shots of Don Draper. Yeah, I have no idea.)

Let's continue.

5. Love songs with titles like "Some Day I'll Learn To McFly," "I've Got The Capacity For Time (But Not For Love)," or "This Is Heavy Duty Like My Heart."

6. Ratt as a lovable, comic relief homeless guy.

7. Time jokes are inevitable, but jokes about the '50s or '80s not translating into the world of today? Gah.

  • "Asbestos! That's the future, you watch! [uncontrollable cough]"
  • "TV shows in your home as you want them for a small fee? Heh, okay buddy!"
  • "This new Milli Vanilli duo is awesome to the max!"

8. If they show Biff's car and the license plate says something like, "LOTSATIME."

9. If the clock tower or the lightning are in anyway personified.

Anyway, thanks for letting me gripe. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Any of that stuff happens in the "Back To The Future" musical and I am out of there.