Bristol Palin $30K Per Speaking Engagement? ...I Too Am a Single Mother

05/18/2010 04:01 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Bristol Palin has reportedly signed on with a speakers bureau to earn $15,000 to $30,000 for individual speaking engagements. I would assume mini-Palin will be speaking on the issue of teen pregnancy. And what better group to fund $30,000 a speech than nature's hundredaires, single teenage mothers?

I would know this because I, in fact, am a single teenage mother. Now, inevitably, people are going to say things like, "You're not a woman, and you can't get pregnant!" Oh no? Then how do you explain the maternity clothes I'm currently wearing? Exactly. Now who looks foolish?

Therefore, I would like to announce my availability for speaking engagements aimed at single teenage mothers and potential single teenage mothers everywhere. I've got lots of great advice, all gained from my 10+ years of experience as a single teenage mother.

Here's just a few...

1. Don't handle a car battery without first disconnecting it.
2. A bird in the hand in worth two in the bush.
3. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

See, single teenage mothers would love to hear shit like this, and it's information they can use. I mean, let's say a guy wants to you to be a single teenage mother, but you're simply not interested, and you shouldn't be - look at the hideous maternity clothes I'm wearing! Don't you want to make sure your car battery is working properly before you get the hell out of there?

Let's say the battery isn't working and he's all, "Come back, let's make you a single teen mom!" Throw the bird in your hand at him. And while his eyes are being pecked out, grab the two birds in the bush and throws those at him, too. Now you wield the power of three birds, mwahaha! Much better than one in your hand or this guy in your bush.

But now what are you going to do? You can't drive, the car battery isn't working. And you can't send a bird with a message; they're busy pecking out eyeballs. Only thing left to do is walk the one thousand miles back to your parent's house. But how? Well, lift your right foot and move it forward in front of you. Let your body weight shift to that foot as it touches the ground. Great. That's called a step, and it's single just like you. Repeat as necessary.


See? Standing ovation. Lives changed. Eggs unfertilized. I'm like a maternity-clothed Tony Robbins. I could do this in towns and cities across America, and for far less than $15,000. At most, I'll need money for gas, food, and hotels.

You know what? Let's go motels, because I plan to get a lot of 18 and 19 year old phone numbers!