Facebook Recommends Me Things

07/26/2010 04:12 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

When we last met, I was telling you all about the strange, hot girls on Facebook who wanted to get better acquainted with me and my own hotness. Well, Facebook continues to be a shining beacon in my life, pointing me in various directions based on what I assume is a series of randomly activated electronic relays attached to the bottom of Mark Zuckerberg's toilet bowl.

For instance, Facebook loves to recommend things. And, what a coincidence, I love to have things recommended to me. Go ahead, recommend something to me--GREAT!

You know what I'm talking about. Off to the right side of your screen it will say, "Hey there, facebook man or woman! What's up? Everything cool? Cool. So, just FYI, some people you know who like [one page] also like [this other page]. Just thought I'd let you know! Alright, take 'er easy!"

Here's a visual to highlight the point, painstakingly detailed, the result of years in art school:


The problem is that it's rarely things you want recommended to you. Like Matlock. Or fist pumpin'. Fist pumpin' with Matlock I would consider, but I've yet to receive that recommendation.

Here are some recommendations from Facebook based on various fan pages...

  • Fans of "Republican National Committee" also like "lap dances"
  • Fans of "Democratic National Committee" also like "absence" and "Predator-style stealth technology"
  • Fans of "Lebron James" also like "pointless one-hour ESPN specials"
  • Fans of "the Miami Heat" also like "super awesome fulfilled expectations!" and "things going right forever!"
  • Fans of "Lindsay Lohan" also like "girl prison films" and "The Parent Trap" and "girl prison films loosely based on The Parent Trap"
  • Fans of "the Iraq & Afghanistan Wars" also like "magic" and "fantasy"
  • Fans of "Mel Gibson" also like "audio tape" and "plantations prior to 1863"
  • Fans of "BP" also like "Bounty paper towels" and "Photoshop"
  • Fans of "the Birther Movement" also like "the bowel movement"
  • Fans of "M. Night Shyamalan films" also like "watching steaming shit piles"
  • Guys who like "Twilight" also like "cucumbers" and "the Washington Monument"
  • Fans of "Fox News" also like "unintelligible scream-talking" and "Megyn Kelly posters above their bed"
  • Fans of "Erin Andrews" also like "1-inch drill bits" and "surgical cameras"
  • Guys who like "Jersey Shore" also like "tanning" and "going to the gym" and "shopping" and "latent homosexual behavior thinly veiled behind overt homophobia"
  • Girlfriends of guys who like "the blow out hairstyle" are also fans of "dining in"
  • Fans of "the Situation" also joined the group "Girls' Legs Aren't All He's Spreading"
  • Girls who like "Mel Gibson" are also fans of "telling police you fell down the stairs while accidentally punching both of your eyes"
  • Fans of "San Diego Comic Con" also like "Suave hand lotion" and "Kleenex" and "twin-sized silk sheets"
  • Fans of "Tour de France" also like the group "I am Too Worn Out From Action-Packed Croquet!"
  • Fans of "NASCAR" also like "vehicular domestic abuse"
  • Fans of "the NRA" also like "permanent domestic abuse"
  • Fans of "Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman" also like "CIA visits" and "CIA visit fantasies"
  • Fans of "Amanda Bynes" also like "retiring" and "not retiring"
  • Fans of "Glenn Beck" also like "chalkboards" and "eating chalk" and "PANIC, SWEET JESUS, PANIC NOW!"
  • Fans of "Michelle Bachmann" also like "mercury-enriched drinking water"
  • Fans of "Floyd Landis" also like "incessant tattling"
  • Fans of "the Tea Party" also like "misusing historical events"
  • Fans of "the Tea Party" also joined the group "My Sister/Brother is Kind of Hot!"

(Credit to Shane L. for the initial idea, suggestions, and letting me borrow his "Twilight" books. Ah, I kid.)