Everyone's favorite future overlord, Google, turned 13 years old this week. Google has hit puberty, and that means confusing times ahead for the $50 billion company. Sticks of deodorant and sticks of RAM. Training bras and Google Doc training manuals. Completely inexplicable boners and... well, Google Plus.
As with anyone hitting this important benchmark, users can expect erratic behavior from Google. And frankly, we're all just going to have to bear with the oncoming mood swings of the company that brought us the up-and-down stylings of Gmail, the lucky-if-it's-even-used "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, and the what-the-hell-is-chrome sensation that is... Chrome.
After talking with CEO Eric Schmidt -- and by that I mean staring creepily at his photo for the better part of an afternoon -- I've come up with a list of things we should all be ready for as Google's hormones explode like the mailbox of a Microsoft competitor circa 1993.
- Google will decide quite suddenly that they need new $120 shoes. Why? SHUT UP, MOM, THEY JUST DO! YOU'RE RUINING GOOGLE'S LIFE!
- During his tenure, CEO Eric Schmidt has stood below the bedroom windows of Twitter and Groupon, boombox raised over his head playing In Your Eyes. But nothing developed. Now, with hormones raging, I think we can expect a lot more of this behavior. But aimed at companies more like Groupon's offshoot site, Gropeon, specializing in deals for sexual predators. "Ooh, a half-off deal at a salon to trim my molesterific mustache!"
- Training bra?
- The Google homepage will in the span of a day grow vertically about five inches. Searches for "basketball" will increase. This will annoy Google, and the top search result will be, simply, a middle finger.
- You'll find a lot more boy band posters around the search results. And when you try to send Google an inquiry about having them removed, you'll get a response saying:
- Google for a time will only feature big name brands. Why? Because Whitney Nowakowski pointed out to everyone at lunch last week that Google was wearing Urban Pipeline jeans -- the ones you bought Google at the back-to-school sale, thankyouverymuch -- and Google was so frickin' embarrassed! Shut up, Google knows they're more expensive, GOD. Like, just count this as Google's birthday and Christmas present!
- Google isn't interested in going to Grandma's birthday party. Oh my god, mom, like, Google is supposed to hang out with Asia that day and Grandma's gonna, like, die soon anyway. She won't even see if Google's there or not! OH MY GOD, GOOGLE CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FORCING GOOGLE TO GO TO THIS STUPID BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH ALL GOOGLE'S STUPID RELATIVES WHO WON'T EVEN STUPID CARE IF GOOGLE'S THERE OR NOT! GOOGLE HATES THIS FAMILY!
- If you stop onto Google's homepage unexpectedly, you may see this...
Dear Valued Google User,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME LIKE SKYLAR FROM DREAMTIME HEARTBEAT* DOES! ONE DAY WE'RE GONNA MEET AND GET MARRIED AND YOU'RE NOT COMING! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!
Thank you for your email.
(*I made up the band name Dreamtime Heartbeat. I'm sorry if your boy group just happens to be called this. Not because I'm using it for mockery. No, I'm sorry because, dude, your fucking band's called Dreamtime Heartbeat.)