Few people know this about me, but I happen to know the former Stark County Treasurer hopeful Phil Davison personally. Unfortunately, I'm number three on his speed dial after his dog and his toaster. You wouldn't believe how tough it is to reach Phil when his toaster is rebounding from another whorish exploit.
I should point out that Phil doesn't actually own a phone. "Speed dial" is just Phil's way of organizing who he's talking to. For instance, when he wants to talk to me, he simply screams "THREE!" and then converses with me, whether I'm there or not.
After his video went viral (here's a refresher) ...
...I started writing down our conversations, or rather things he yelled to me. As Phil would say, THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS!
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- DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR WHAT?? YES, DRASTIC WATCHES, WHO SAID THAT?? THANK YOU, SIR IN THE MIRROR!
- I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN SOCIOLOGY! A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN HISTORY! A MASTER'S DEGREE IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATION! A MASTER'S DEGREE IN COMMUNICATION! AND A SUPER MASTER'S IN THE HISTORY OF SOCIOLOGICAL COMMUNICATION IN PUBLIC ADMINISTRATIONS!
- MY TV HAS SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MY DVD PLAYER AND THAT'S WHY THE PICTURE IS SO CLEAR! THEY CUDDLE!
- ALBERT EINSTEIN ISSUED ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITIST QUOTES IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPOKEN WORD, AND IT IS AS FOLLOWS! ... "MY NAME IS ALBERT EINSTEIN AND PHIL DAVISON IS MY FRIEND!"
- I OFTEN HIDE FROM THE MOON ON ACCOUNT OF IT TRYING TO SEDUCE ME WITH WITCH POWERS!
- I LIKE TO SLEEP AT THE FOOT OF THE BED, BUT MY HAIR LIKES THE FLOOR!
- STARK COUNTY REQUIRES AN AGGRESSIVE CAMPAIGN, AND AN EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE CAMPAIGNER, AND AN EVEN MORER AGGRESSIVER CAMPAIGNERER!
- IF NOMINATED I PROMISE EACH AND EVERY PERSON IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT I WILL HIT THE GROUND RUNNING, COME OUT SWINGING, AND END UP WINNING! FURTHERMORE I WILL SHOW OFF MY SINGING, NEVER STOP SPINNING, AND GIVE UP SINNING!
- LET'S SEND A MESSAGE TO THE PIZZA MAN THAT WE'RE TIRED OF BUSINESS AS USUAL! IT'S BEEN 30 MINUTES AND THIS IS A DRASTIC TIME ACCORDING TO MY DRASTIC WATCH! WHO SAID THAT??
- NOW IS THE TIME TO SNAP--NOTICE MY SNAPPING GESTURE--THE DEMOCRATIC STRANGLEHOLD ON THE TREASURER'S OFFICE! WE'VE GOT TO CRACKLE--NOTICE MY CRACKLING--THE BURNING FIRES OF FREEDOM! AND WE'VE GOT TO POP--I'M PRETENDING TO POP A BALLOON RIGHT NOW!!!--THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY'S INFLATED SPENDING!
- POLITICS IS WINNER TAKE ALL! IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE! AND IF ELECTED STARK COUNTY TREASURER, I WILL CREATE A TIME BENDING DEVICE TO ALLOW POLITICS TO LOOP FOREVER! THAT WAY, WHAT ALWAYS WILL BE WILL ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AGAIN AND AGAIN!
- I BELIEVE IN THE AXIOM THAT ALL POLITICS IS LOCAL! AND THE DEMOCRATIC POLITICIANS ON MY BALLS ARE HOLDING MY BODY HOSTAGE!
- APPLES MAKE THE BEST GROOMSMEN! MY BEST MAN WAS RED, JUICY AND DELICIOUS!
- YOU CAN'T FILET A PENCIL, BUT YOU CAN USE A PENCIL TO WRITE ABOUT FILETING A PENCIL!
- I ONCE MADE OUT WITH EINSTEIN! MY CAT'S NAME IS EINSTEIN! HE IS A CAT SCIENTIST UNRAVELING THE MYSTERIES OF THE CATS-MOS!
- I WANT TO HARNESS THE THOUGHTS AND IDEAS OF THE INDIVIDUALS IN OUR PARTY! AND I'D LIKE TO HARNESS THEIR PANCREASES! THEY'RE SWEET, NECTAR FILLED PANCREASES!
- KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! FOR INSTANCE MY KNOWLEDGE IS CURRENTLY POWERING A SMALL VILLAGE IN CHINA! LIGHTS OUT! GOODNIGHT, SMALL VILLAGE!
- I AM DAMN PROUD TO HAVE SERVED IN THE STARK COUNTY DIVISON OF THE MARTIAN GALACTIC FORCE!
- POLITICS IS NOT TOUCH FOOTBALL! POLITICS IS LIKE A WOMAN! SOFT AND SUPPLE ON THE OUTSIDE, COLD AND EMPTY ON THE INSIDE! WOMEN WHO DATE ME FIND ME ALLURING! I INVITE THEM TO PLAY TOUCH FOOTBALL AND THEY WIN BECAUSE THEY'RE SO GOOD AT RUNNING FROM ME!
- EGGS DON'T MAKE ME GASSY! I INGEST GAS AND LAY EGGS!
- MY HOUSE IS CONSTRUCTED ENTIRELY OF VESTIBULES!
- INFESTATION? NAY, MORE LIKE IN-PHIL-STATION!
- MY BODY IS A TOOL! NOT ONLY IS IT A TOOL, IT IS A WEAPON! NOT ONLY IS IT A WEAPON, IT IS A BODY!
- I MAKE MY CLOTHES EVERY MORNING USING A PRINTER!