Facebook isn't a "thing" anymore. It's so ingrained, it just is. Before the internet, if you didn't have a television, people automatically assumed you were weird. Now, if you don't have a Facebook page, you're either old, weird, or old and weird.
Still, there are times when I envy those old weirdos. They don't have to drudge through the mindless mundane goings-on.
I'm not completely innocent in all this. Even I have the occasional emo Facebook break down: "Wish somebody cared about me... guess I'll just get in my 'loner' car and drive to Lonelyville... right after I grab lunch at that new restaurant Table For One." You have to read that while making a pouty face and speaking in a lower register.
But I've compiled this very annoying list of status updates, in no particular order, that -- admit it -- cause many of us to roll our eyes.
The "Food I Just Made/Ate Photo" Update
Maybe it's the wave of celebrity chefs and foodie culture that has swept the nation, but this isn't Saveur magazine. What is Saveur magazine? Unless you're inviting us over to partake in the mastication of said food, nobody wants to see photos of it. If anything, you're just taunting us with your food. What if a homeless guy logged in to his Facebook page and saw that? Don't you think he's already haunted enough by his subscription to Saveur magazine?! You and your food make me sick.
The "A Friend is Someone Who..." Update
This is one of my favorites. In an era when friendships have become inflated, yet balloon-thin, and drained of all substance by social networking, more and more people want to post updates about what true friends are. While the sentiment is not necessarily wrong, when you bring up the subject so frequently, it sounds more like you're trying to convince yourself.
Just remember as you look over your thousands of friends, on Facebook, a friend is simply someone who clicks this button...
The "Gym" Update
Exercise is good. Staying healthy is good. You shouldn't be shy about that. But I would venture to guess if Americans spent in the gym the amount of time Americans spend talking about the gym on Facebook, America would be in much better shape. Instead, our obesity rates are the only thing getting up. If only running through the photo albums of people we think are hot had the same aerobic benefit as actual running.
The "Tanning" Update
Regular tanning is not at all good for you. There's a good chance you're going to get skin cancer.
The "Bet You Won't Repost This!" Update
The message seems pretty innocuous. Something like, "Not everyone has a sibling who they can count on. If you have a sibling and love them then repost this. Unfortunately 99% of you don't have the guts to repost this!" Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, as I was too busy actually spending time with my sibling and not just making the claim with a pitiful 154 characters. Get off your high horse. I'll bet that horse spends more time with his equine siblings than you do. And he doesn't go on Facebook clopping away at his keyboard about it.
The "Vegas" Update
On Facebook, without fail, there is always someone planning to go the Vegas, currently in Vegas, or sadly coming back from Vegas. "Only 34 more days until Vegas baby!" That's like a month. Aren't you doing anything else? Are you spending the next 34 days in a cryo-sleep chamber? Then there's the "In Vegas!" and picture from inside the hotel room. For Christ's sake, why are you taking pictures of a hotel room? Go outside! And finally, the obligatory "Back from Vegas... I wanna go back!! :(" Again, unless your everyday life consists of digging graves for the animals from those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials, cheer up. Maybe live life all the time, not just in Vegas once a year. Will I look through your Vegas photos for the better part of an hour, yes, but I hardly think that's the point!
The "Why Can't I Find a Nice Guy?" Update
I'm not going to claim guys never post about this subject, but let's be honest, girls are more likely to complain about this on Facebook. "Why can't I just meet a nice, normal guy?!" Well, you don't meet any nice guys because you don't want nice, and your standards aren't normal. Take it from me. I have the standards of a Chinese lead toy factory and it feels fantastic.
But really, nice guys are everywhere. That guy who held the door open for you and smiled while you were listening to your ex berate you over the phone? Nice guy. That guy who picked up that book you were reading, How to Meet a Nice Guy, that fell out of your bag? Nice guy. That guy who shared his umbrella with you as you made your way into a lecture called "Settling for Mr. Perfect"? Well, he was probably just trying to pick up chicks, but maybe he was nice, too!
(For the sake of gender equality in this article, if guys posted their thoughts about women on Facebook, no woman would have a male Facebook friend. We're disturbing people.)
The "Will Someone Bring Me (Food Item) to Work?" Update
No, get back to work.
The "Something Something With My Besties!" Update
This one is risky. Before you post this update, you better establish an agreement among besties involved that you are in fact in a bestie arrangement. Without any firm definition of a bestie, some non-besties may be under the false impression that they have in fact reached the rank of "Bestie," and true besties that are not with you at this moment whole may question the whole bestie relationship.
Also, who do you want to know that you have besties? Your besties? Or your non-besties? Jerk.
The "Facebook Game Request" Update
Oh no, someone needs wrenches to fix the Gravitron and beat back relatives from impregnating their 13-year-old daughter in Carny Life Adventure! Join up and give them wrenches!
Who would have thought you could somehow waste time while using Facebook, the ultimate time waster? "Well, enough wasting time, I've got profiles to stalk."
That reminds me, I have profiles to stalk.
Follow Andy McDonald on Twitter: www.twitter.com/iamandymcdonald