Dear Faithful.....
As I sit here thousands of years after creating you all (although some would have you believe in "evolution" or that even crazier notion, the "Big Bang Theory"), I can't help but think, "What the f**k is wrong with you people?! What I have I done? Where have I gone wrong?" Oy vey!
The world is a freakin' mess, defiled and ravaged by hunger, poverty, disease, racism, terrorism, fires, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, global warming and a heretical force of evil called Sarah Palin. And they say President Obama has his hands full...
And as if all this wasn't enough, there are now people who are committing the ultimate blasphemy by using my good name to justify their acts of bigotry and hatred. This includes that nitwit down in Gainseville, Florida who wants to burn Qurans. And this bedlamite's a preacher? I must've missed his application somehow. When I find out who approved him, heads are gonna roll.
For the record, my mom, dad and I love everyone and sit in judgment of no one. You are all my children. I don't care whether you're Christian, Jew, Protestant, Baptist, Muslim or Mormon....well, maybe not Mormon....nah, just kidding! (Honestly? I do wonder about those Jehovah's Witnesses, though. That whole Armageddon thing freaks me out). Hell (can I say that?), I even love Atheists!
So the idea of burning a sacred religious book like the Quran is just plain heresy. It's religious intolerance of the worst kind. It's racist, and it's nothing I condone. And for someone like Pastor Terry Jones to claim burning these books is God's work...that I told him to do it... man, that really pisses me off. Well, this is me very clearly telling him not to do it. Jeez, what kind of church does he lead? What kind of church preaches such hate and intolerance? Exactly which God and which scripture does this behavior ascribe to? Funny, I don't remember anything in the Bible about burning Korans, and I oughtta know because I wrote the damn thing (shit, I can't say "damn" either, right?)
Let me be clear to Jones and those like him who hide behind my cloak as they spew their vitriol: you're no Christians! You say Islam is evil? No, you're the evil ones. You are vile and hateful and the exact opposite of what Christianity is all about. I didn't start this religion just to have people like you disrespect everything for which I sacrificed.
And while I'm writing, I'd like to address something else that's really been bothering me; something I need to clear the air about once and for all. I am NOT a Republican! You see, conservatives have been laying claim to faith and God (that's me) while portraying Democrats and liberals as being faithless non-believers. Well let me tell ya something. My whole family and I are liberals. That's right, raging libs. Have you seen my sandals? They're the original Birkenstocks. Seriously, have you read my book? "Love thy neighbor?" "Treat the poor fairly?" "Feed the hungry, house the homeless, clothe the naked?" "Turn the other cheek?" Not exactly the sort of crunchy stuff you'll hear often on Fox News. Come to think of it, much of modern conservatives' behavior doesn't really follow my teachings at all.