Dear Jeb:
Let me establish for the record that I am a passionate, loyal, card-carrying Democrat. As such, you and I differ on virtually every political, economic and social issue imaginable. Furthermore, I consider your brother George one of the worst presidents in American history, and I can't fathom having another Bush in the White House. But ya know what? I desperately want you to win the Republican nomination.
It's not because I like you or think you're truly deserving of the job. It's because you are the only adult in a room full of buffoonish clowns. As un-moderate as I believe you to be, you're practically Barney Frank compared to the radical loons you're running against.
It's astounding, beyond inexplicable, that your party's front runners, with over 50% of voters' support, are Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson. These two embarrassingly empty suits have made your party, and America's political system, the butt of jokes all over the world. And that's precisely why you must win the nomination.
The Trump/Carson freak show -- replete with Mexican rapists, bimbos and stabbings -- might be deliciously entertaining to some at this point in the primary season, but this frightening spectacle must come to an end soon. We need you to restore legitimacy, credibility and respectability to our election process and to the presidency. You cannot allow Trump and Carson, or Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio or Carly Fiorina for that matter, to hijack our political system and cause it irreparable harm. You may be a staunch conservative, but you're not nuts.
So you have to start getting yourself out of the single-digits. You have to start appealing to voters. Put forth policies that resonate with the middle class. You have to become likable. You have to show some balls and demonstrate that you're not the weak, low-energy wimp that Trump has defined. And most important, you must take Trump on, head on. Aggressively. Like in a street fight. Look, you're a smart guy, and he's an ignorant, offensive fool. This should be easy (I have lots of ideas if you're interested). Polling at around 4%, you have absolutely nothing to lose. Your candidacy is on life support. If you don't step up quickly, you'll be gone before Christmas.
We live in the United States of America, for Pete's sake. The greatest nation in the world. We deserve better than Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz and the other GOP crazies. They are tarnishing everything we stand for as the land of freedom, tolerance and opportunity. The greatest act of patriotism you could ever commit is to win that damn nomination...