I Hate Facebook

I hate Facebook. There. I said it. And it feels damned good. I know it won't make me popular. In fact, I'll probably be cyberflogged over it. I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Any of it. Oh sure, it's fun once in a blue moon when one of my childhood pals miraculously unearths a 40-year-old photo and "tags" me, but then that fascination quickly turns to horror as I realize my embarrassing pre-pubescent shot is now online for all to see. Couldn't it just simply be scanned and emailed to me the way technogeeks did things back in the olden days, ya know, the late 90s?

Oh, Facebook. You cyberland of rampant narcissism and wasted time. What started out as a social networking site for college kids has somehow turned into a cesspool of self-absorbed way-too-old-to-be-fucking-around-on-Facebook adults who think that the rest of us actually give a shit about what they're drinking, eating, thinking, reading, watching, and/or are listening to every five minutes. They post their top 5 records, movies and TV shows. They post "25 Random Things About Me" lists. And they tell us constantly what they're "fans of." One person is a fan of "grilled cheese." I kid you not. What have we come to when grilled cheese has its own Facebook page? Someone clearly has way too much time on their hands.

I think I've figured out Facebook's major appeal. It offers uber-narcissists an opportunity to have their proverbial 15 minutes every five fucking minutes!. The site is overcrowded with attention-starved grown-ups essentially screaming "look at me... look at me!" all day long. They change their profile photos as often as I change my underwear, and they've somehow convinced themselves that their lives are infinitely interesting all the time. The "audience factor" is just way too attractive to these folks. It's drunken karaoke without the booze and the bad singing, but with all the requisite self-indulgence.

Case in point the "What's on your mind" section, formerly the "status" box. It's full of pretentious, inane ramblings like "Bob is making some soup," "Annie is dry-heaving right now," "Louie is sitting in traffic, pondering the meaning of life," "Joe is hungry," "Debbie is tired," "Maggie is perplexed," "Phil's ass hurts from yoga," "Archie's dreaming of Tulsa," "Seth is a fan of Fellini," "Leslie is drinking her morning OJ," "Dan is contemplating a nap," "Ellen is feeling empowered," "Jack is boarding a flight home from LA," "Susie is feeding her brain!" Oh...my...god. Somebody please get me an ice-pick to jab into my skull.

Let's face it, there's probably two or three of our really best pals who actually do care what the hell we do all the time. That's why they're our BFF's. And they're the ones who will normally respond to the riveting "Ed is drinking some coffee" post with something equally fascinating like "Decaf or regular?" But the rest of your 5000 Facebook friends really don't care about these non-stop musings, as evidenced by the fact that virtually 99% of them have zero replies. I mean honestly, what can you really say back to "Rufus is rubbing a London Broil?"

Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I am a citizen of the Facebook nation. I was lured there by a dear friend with promises of mega-business-networking benefits, and I must also confess to periodically using the site for shameless self-promotion to my vast empire of 165 friends. But if I am indeed a Facebookian, it is citizenship in the vein of Che Guevara, Abbie Hoffman and Thomas Paine. I'm a radical. A dissident. A conscientious objector in the Armed Forces of Facebook. I might even call myself a revolutionary, for I'd love to stage a coup and turn Facebook the vainglorious social-networking site into Facebook the bastion of selflessness and redeeming social value. Just think of how incredibly impactful Facebook could be if its typically self-involved members would harness all of this cyberpassion and energy and channel it instead into educating our children, healing the sick, helping the poor and saving the environment.

I realize that I'll likely lose a few 'friends' over this blasphemous diatribe, most likely those in my Facebook tribe. Some might even de-friend me, a sure sign that I've been branded a social-networking-outcast. But my real friends, the ones I've known for a zillion years, the ones I see all the time, the ones who I actually hang out with outside of cyberspace and have real live actual relationships with, the ones who'll come over at 2am at the drop of hat if I needed help, they'll totally get it. Know why? With the exception of one or two folks whom I absolutely adore and apologize to in advance if I've offended, none of them are on Facebook.

Comments

[DennyCrane]

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You just won a new fan with this and your most recent post about Twitter.

[grannysharp]

Great article!!! thought i was the only one to feel this way, my kids and grandkids and great grandkids think face book is great, so of course they wanted granny to sign on, well it was the wrong thing to do, takes to much time of the little I have left and is just stupid, when ever i get a note they have posted something to me I cuss, then send them an email and tell them if they want to contact me here's my email address.

[MurrayAbraham]

Love the part about "I am a dissident FaceBookian". Sounds very revolutionary to "fight" from the inside.

But truth be told, it is rather like Palin's "I'm a Maverick".

[zenwhenicanbe2]

Huge facebook fan for about a year or so. Now i won't even go near it, I can't stand facebook.

[andytgeezer]

It's woven itself so deeply into the communications landscape that extricating yourself after investing that time and effort into uploading photos and adding friends is like committing social suicide.

I got so fed up I closed my account and told my friends if they want to contact me they should email or phone or actually meet me in REAL life. In addition to this I have set up www.myrealwall.com where people can post LETTERS on my REAL wall, instead of my facebook wall

Yes REAL post i.e. a letter and put a stamp on it and send it to my house. I then take their post, read it and stick it on my REAL wall, which then gets photographed every day and posted on the net.

This has proved to be quite a neat little filter and I've noticed that the spam I receive from friends has effectively been cut to zero and I have not been bitten by a zombie since I started, although I've had a couple of pokes from friends, who have actually made the effort to come to my house and poke me in REAL life.

It hurts.

It's a strange old place facebook. People will whinge about how much they hate it, the new design etc. But when it comes down to let's see how many do more than complain and put their money where their mouth is and actually LEAVE facebook

Not many I suspect.

[brandnewstuff]

Thank You for that Realism! The counter culture of narcisistic "cult like Feedback" lacking in real vaules,morales and ethics-

[Rockwell]

I prefer my fleeting scraps of fame by ranting anonymously here on HuffPo. If I can cause one Troll to flip out, then I feel I've done a good day's work.

[lizrosenthal]

As much as I hate to burst your rant bubble, there's a way you can set Facebook so that the "uber-narcissists" and other "friends" who rub you (or London broil) the wrong way don't show up in your news feed. I do it all the time.

Yeah, I know. Kinda takes the romance out of being a dissident when there's already a solution to the problem you protest. Fear not. I'm sure you will find something else to complain about.

[jillian222]

Ah, Andy, this is a refreshing take on Facebook. At first I hesitated to add a comment but there is much to applaud in a glib article which oozes with Truth.

I have only been a FB user since February. I was lured into its realm as I was re-establishing myself in the American workplace after living abroad. I had read articles in the Economist, Newsweek and New York Times about the site. It sounded like a fine way to showcase my art and reconnect with people that I had lost when I took a different path.

I can tout FB for putting me back in touch with relatives I have not seen for decades.It seems that I am on the leaner side of friendships (only 46) compared to others Facebooker's who have 100's of provocative friend photo's on their lists. I did not realize it was a contest of sorts, this building of networks. Ironically or not, my best friend and my fiance are not on my page. We chose to communicate deeply in real time.

My greatest surprise was how irrelevant some people that I admire present themselves on FB.
Brilliant souls writing the silliest entries. The entire experience has shattered my own illusions.

[Whodunit]

"I think I've figured out Facebook's major appeal. It offers uber-narcissists an opportunity to have their proverbial 15 minutes every five f------g minutes!"

I thought that was the major appeal of blogs. Certainly this one.

[MartinAtchet]

i fully back you on this.....

[armin t]

good heavens. did that dude really say "BFF"? hahahaha.

nice rant, though. in the words of the prophet, "Someone clearly has way too much time on their hands."

[noamjunior]

thanks for the rant grandpa- yell at any clouds lately?

[kittyarmy]

LOL!

[earthmann]

"Just think of how incredibly impactful Facebook could be if its typically self-involved members would harness all of this cyberpassion and energy and channel it instead into educating our children, healing the sick, helping the poor and saving the environment."

How many babies died, sir, while you wrote this very important piece?

Thank you for sharing, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to rubbing my London Boil.

[DrZane]

My concern is: when Rufus rubbed the London Broil, did he do it with the Broil's consent?

[JustifiablyParanoid]

LOL! :)