You Know You're a Tea Bagger If...

As the 2012 presidential campaign intensifies, there's been much speculation as to the philosophies, motivations and overall composition of Tea Party constituents.

To help clarify any lingering confusion and to help define these passionate Americans, I offer the following Litmus Test:

You know you're a Tea Bagger if:

1. You hate science and the corrupt scientists who manufacture data in nefarious schemes

2. You think global warming is a hoax

3. You think there are hundreds of Nobel Peace Prize-winning scientists who believe in Intelligent Design

4. You think Social Security, Medicare and "big government" are mutually-exclusive

5. You think God is an evangelical Christian conservative

6. You think Elvis was born in August

7. You think the "Soviet Union" remains one of America's biggest threats

8. You can see the "Soviet Union," or Russia, from your backyard

9. You think Paul Revere is famous for warning the British

10. You think the historic "Shot Heard Round the World" took place in New Hampshire

11. You think John Wayne Gacy was a rugged movie star

12. You think John Wayne was a serial killer

13. You think homosexuals can be "cured" by Marcus Bachmann

14. You think Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has committed "treason"

15. You think there are "Death Panels" consisting of evil doctors who will kill old people

16. You think Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity tell the truth and that Fox News is fair and balanced

17. You think governors who advocate their state's secession from the Union would make great presidents of the United States.

18. You think that African American males like President Obama benefit more by government assistance than those hard-workin' white folks

19. You think President Obama is an illegal alien

20. You think Michele Bachmann really worked for the IRS just to get inside to better understand the enemy

21. You think the Founding Fathers abolished slavery

22. You love America but scowl when your opponents exercise the very Democratic principles which make it great, like free speech; separation of church and state; a free and open press; freedom of religion; checks and balances; freedom from persecution; and civil rights for all

23. And most of all, unlike your founding Tea Party brethren 238 years ago, you think "No taxation without representation" really just means "No taxation."

 

Follow Andy Ostroy on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AndyOstroy

Comments

[advchaser]

03:07 PM on 09/30/2011

You might love to roll in scat if you thought this was funny.

[advchaser]

03:02 PM on 09/30/2011

You might be a cornholer if you believe everything on the puffhost as true!

[tmon23]

08:24 PM on 08/31/2011

Double Standard!!!

[Marisa Stein]

10:26 AM on 08/30/2011

well that's about 2 mins of my life that I wont be getting back

[capn moose]

05:06 PM on 08/28/2011

Uh, regarding those "death panels": They are real, just NOT in any government office, they exist in the bean-counter rooms at every health-insurance company. Ask any Tea Party gathering if they have a treatment either not paid at all by their insurance company or were told -- after their premium and after their "co-pay" -- that they must pay something called "co-insurance". Ask them how easily it is to even get an insurance company to not just APPROVE any procedure, but to put that approval in writing. Oh, and how about after it is all done, you get told that an unnamed "third-party approver" has decided that you must repay the money paid to doctors, hospitals by the insurance company.

[rp2par]

03:08 PM on 08/31/2011

In 1970 when I became pregnant, my dh's boss's wife said YOU MUST HAVE KAISER INSURANCE. I didn't really want to because I was very happy with my doctors at the time. She even insisted on taking me to my first Kaiser appointment. All went well until our baby was born -- with mulitple serious birth defects (not Kaiser's fault -- pregnancy was perfect). Through the years she required multiple surgeries and help. Kaiser was wonderful. She now lives far away from a Kaiser facility and must rely on other insurance and doctors. She is so unhappy about the treatment she gets now.

My dh is seriously ill and has been for about 10 years. He is awaiting a liver and kidney transplant. Kaiser has never denied or questioned anything regarding his treatment. Everything has been approved .

Additionally, a visit to a doctor is $20.00. Hospital stay/surgery is $500.00. Every time I hear about problems with other insurance companies, I thank my lucky stars (and the bosses wife)that have for what we have.

[capn moose]

11:17 PM on 08/31/2011

OKay, Kaiser treated your family in a wondeful manner. That is one family and one insurance company. But across the nation, the reports of being denied medicine or procedures, and in my family's case, watching copays escalate, co-insurance pop up out of nowhere, and then there was the "third=party reviewer" that tried to over=rule my doctor. When I demanded they show my lawyer where in our company policy the third-party reviewer was listed, suddenly everybody agreed with my doctor and never mentioned "third-party again. I have personally been told of similar incidents with a whole slew of companies.

[Nick Lahanas]

09:26 PM on 08/26/2011

And most of all, unlike your founding Tea Party brethren 238 years ago, you think "No taxation without representation" really just means "No taxation."

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

[Patriot 70]

11:17 AM on 08/26/2011

We cannot afford another term of Obama. He's lied about everything he was going to do when he got into office, and the nation has suffered dearly. I'm tired of suffering.

MoveOn, just to let you know, I'm ignoring you from now on.

[Nick Lahanas]

09:27 PM on 08/26/2011

How have you suffered personally, and how was it directly Obama's fault?

[Patriot 70]

11:59 AM on 08/27/2011

I like that. You ignored what I said about him lying, and ignored what I said about the nation suffering, and pick on my little statement that I've suffered. I guess you figured that I would have a harder time answering that portion of my statment instead of dealing with the lies or the nation being hurt by him.

Well, I'll answer your little question over my big statement.

When my friends (former military) are killed, and I hear about it, it hurts - especially since we are now involved in two wars that Islam didn't start, Obama did.

[Marisa Stein]

10:28 AM on 08/30/2011

f & f good job

[Patriot 70]

10:58 AM on 08/26/2011

Not going to happen.

[Bettaman]

05:11 AM on 08/26/2011

Well done, Andy!!

[Andy Ostroy]

08:50 PM on 08/27/2011

Thanks Mo' Bettaman!

[premenos57]

11:42 PM on 08/27/2011

Yes, way to go!

[TruthRains]

01:28 AM on 08/26/2011

I'm going to keep adding to this list. You know you belong to the Tea Party if you blame President Obama for what Bush did.

[Soulsurfer]

09:43 AM on 08/26/2011

Put it at the top of the list.

[Patriot 70]

11:18 AM on 08/26/2011

Did you notice that every policy that you once fought with Bush over are the same policies that Obama has fleshed out?

[Nick Lahanas]

09:44 PM on 08/26/2011

Any examples?

[alterego55]

07:34 PM on 08/25/2011

If your patio furniture used to be your living room furniture, you just might be a teabagger.

[alterego55]

07:33 PM on 08/25/2011

If your family tree has no forked branches, you just might be a teabagger. (thanks Jeff).

This is just too much fun.

[alterego55]

04:13 PM on 08/25/2011

You might be a teabagger if you think a D average at Texas A&M makes you part of the educational elite.

[Lynn317]

06:50 PM on 08/25/2011

... a "D" when studying animal science ... good prep courses for becoming president!

[TruthRains]

01:29 AM on 08/26/2011

But he got an A in military affairs. He loves war.

[Berettasskeeter]

09:48 AM on 08/26/2011

How does an A in military affairs equate to a love of war??
Semper fi

[baddogltd]

02:47 PM on 08/25/2011

You know you're a Tea Bagger if, when presented with evidence that Fox News is lying, you excuse it by saying they have 'good ratings'.

[Berettasskeeter]

03:42 PM on 08/25/2011

FOX just gave the weather report. Can you tell us what they lied about?
Semper fi

[alterego55]

04:15 PM on 08/25/2011

Google "The Orchestra Pit Theory" and you'll understand why Roger Ailes makes sure that sensationalism trumps fact on the Fox News Network.

[buggeroffyou666]

09:19 AM on 08/26/2011

Just imagine if you ever had a valid point.
Semper fi

[heian120]

04:44 PM on 08/25/2011

so you switch to MSNBC and get some real leftist crap - right? LOL

[bjp4321]

01:57 PM on 08/25/2011

You might be a teabagger if you think that:

Free speech is only for those people who agree with you.
The Federal Reserve board will commit treason if the pursue an active monetary policy prior to the 2012 election.
This nation was founded as a Christian nation
That the founding fathers were all good Christian men and agreed with each other
That the founding fathers all thought the Federal Government should be weak compared to the states
Too much government regulation on the financial industry caused the great recession of 2007
Obama created the TARP program and bailed out the financial industry
That the stimulus made the recession worse.
Too much government regulation on agri-business has created the rash of food contamination (listeria in dips, E Coli in Beef, spinach, tomatoes, etc.)
If there were no Federal government the better your life will be
Less government regulation will be better for this country
The government should regulate the definition of marriage
The government should regulate/outlaw abortion
The government should regulate the teaching of intelligent design (creationism) as science
The government should regulate that there will be a christian prayer in the public schools
Unions have created the great recession of 2007
Unions are bad for the middle class worker
Corporations will do what is right for the American people
The republicans care about and will take care of the middle class workers

[Less Taxes is better]

08:10 PM on 08/26/2011

Free speech should be for those people who agree with me, you must be stupid to think that borrowing 300 million per day is a good financial plan and we should increase it.

smaller, smarter government is always better

[Nick Lahanas]

09:46 PM on 08/26/2011

"Free speech should be for those people who agree with me"

The founding fathers are rolling in their graves.

[bjp4321]

05:15 PM on 08/27/2011

And you must be an economic illiterate if you think that cutting government spending at this time is the best thing for the economy. There has to be a long range plan and it will have to include raising revenue through closing loopholes in the tax code, ending subsidies to corporations that shouldn't have them, cutting special tax deductions for corporations, and raising taxes.