You know the old story, when it comes to sex, men are easy and women are complicated.
Want to get a guy hot and bothered? Show him a naked woman. Done. Hot and bothered guy.
Want to get a woman hot and bothered? Supposedly it's far more complicated, right?
Sure, a simple picture of a naked guy isn't going to do the trick for the average mom. We're a little busy, I don't know if you've noticed that or not. This isn't June Cleaver's heyday, we're not running the vacuum cleaner in our high heels and pearls waiting for Ward to make it home from the office so we can serve him a martini before finishing off a perfect pot roast, with all the trimmings -- of course -- and sending our two perfect children off to play. (This is not to say that the average American woman won't enjoy looking at a scantily clad picture of Channing Tatum, I mean let's not go crazy here folks!)
Things have changed in your relationship quite a bit since you went from being man and wife, to mom and dad. That change is probably more profound for your wife than it is for you. I am not trying to be sexist, I'm truly not, but every single mom I have ever spoken to has said that they have a very hard time switching gears from "mom" to "wife" when the husband lets her know he's hoping for a little action after the kids are in bed. When you've spent most of your day wiping noses and butts, arguing with some little people that yes, they actually do have to wear shoes when we leave the house, and generally being the main person responsible for making the household work, it's a little hard to shift gears and go from thinking about how you haven't actually showered for three days, to thinking how what you'd really like to do is make your husband's motor run.
So, what does a woman -- your wife, the mother of your children -- find sexy? Here's a simple list that you can keep handy, when in doubt do one of these things and I can (almost) guarantee you there will be more than sleeping happening after the kids get tucked in tonight.
- Be An Amazing Dad To Your Children. Last week I overheard my husband helping our son (if you're new here, he has ADD) with his homework. Our son gets very frustrated during homework, and hearing my husband keep his patience, and calmly encourage our son that he could, in fact, do the math problems that were homework was seriously the sexiest thing ever. Ever! Help your kids with homework, show them how to ride a bike, let them hand you the tools while you're working on the clogged kitchen sink... IT SERIOUSLY DOESN'T MATTER WHAT! Being an amazing, caring, loving father for the children that you created with her, and are raising with her is the flat out sexiest thing she has ever seen. Channing Tatum included.
- Surprise Her By Making A Plan For Dinner. Whether your wife is a working outside the house mother, or a working inside the house mother, if she's the person who usually figures out what to feed the family for dinner, give her an unexpected night off. Pick up take out. Order a pizza. Throw something on the grill, or in the oven, pull out some leftovers. Whatever you do, just don't ask her what to make. That cancels out the brownie points you get completely from this one. Trust me. The average mom feels like she goes non-stop, flat out full speed from the moment she opens her eyes until she finally collapses into an exhausted heap that night. If you choose just this one task, that she does (probably thanklessly) every single night and do it for her it's like a choir of angels singing a chorus of THANK YOU to her for the 364 nights a year she does it.
- Any Chore That Is Normally Hers To Do -- Do That! If she's the one who does all the laundry, or always empties the dishwasher, or takes out the trash, or makes sure that the kids backpacks are where they need to be for morning, just choose one of those things, take five minutes and do it for her. Again, most of us moms are like the Energizer Bunny when it comes to getting stuff done, we could seriously show Congress a thing or 20 about how to be more productive, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't like a hand now and then. Help a mom out, switch the laundry over before that mildew smell sets in. She'll thank you for it.
- Be Affectionate. That might sound overly simple, but it isn't. Do you remember how you and your wife used to spend your average weeknight before you had children? Do you remember little things like how you used to hold hands, or how you held the door open for her when you went to a restaurant? Do you remember how you used to do little things to surprise her, like bring home her favorite bottle of wine, or kiss her on her forehead? When was the last time you did even one of those things?
- Let her know you think she's beautiful. You might not believe this, but that declaration of love and how amazingly hot she was that you gave her when you first fell in love... she's starting to doubt that's still true. She sees her flaws when she looks in the mirror, and her body has housed and given life to those children we talked about earlier and you can most likely see that when you look at her naked now. Which means, she's not all that excited to get naked Unlike men, us girls we like to feel beautiful, wanted, and sexy before we get all hot and bothered with you. Let her know she still flips your switch just like she did when you first met. Special Tip: Do not do this by grabbing her boob when she walks by, or by making google eyes at her butt while she's loading the washer. You have to say it out loud boys, or it simply doesn't count.
So, there you have it. A step-by-step, absolutely no guarantees implied, guide to getting your wife to rip your clothes off as soon as the little ones stay in bed tonight.